Red vs Blue: The Fire Emblem Chronicles
by AppleBerry
Summary: Fire Emblem parody of Red vs Blue. What would happen if Fire Emblem Characters took place of the Red and Blue team in Red vs Blue? More on Red vs Blue inside because most of you probably don't know what RvB is.
1. Why are we here?

Apple: Hello, I was, well, talking with a friend on day, and we sorta made connections with characters in Fire Emblem and the characters in Red vs. Blue. For those of you who don't know, which is probably everyone here in the Fire Emblem Section, Red vs Blue is a funny web series that is based on a map in multiplayer Halo. Basically two teams try to battle it out for dominance, and funny antics ensue. It's quite interesting. You can see it at Well, I decided to parody it using Fire Emblem Characters and weapons. It may seem a little confusing at first, but bear with me. Oh and just as a note, the "longbow" in the beginning is supposed to be a "sniper rifle" in the series, but longbow works better in a FE setting. Oh and another thing, the map is called "Blood Gulch"…it's basically a barren boxed canyon. The two teams are the red team, and the blue team. They basically wear armor that's a close hue to their team color.

* * *

Why Are We Here?

It was a beautiful day in Blood Gulch. Two figure stand atop red base, one wearing maroon armor, the other; orange, looking out at the barren wasteland, staring at the hated blue base across from them. Naturally, guard duty isn't the most interesting job around, so the two began to have a light conversation.

"Hey Sain," The maroon one, named Kent, began. "Do you ever wonder why we're here?"

His orange clad friend, Sain, looked back and replied in a very introspective voice, "Yeah, it's one of life's great mysteries isn't it? Why are we here? I mean, aside from the girls, are we men just a product of some, godly coincidence? Or does St. Elimine's ghost still live on, watching our every step with a plan for us or somethin'? I don't know man, but it keeps me up at night."

A very awkward silence ensued as Kent stared at Sain with a strange look, though his orange friend could not see it very well with his helmet on.

"What!" He finally asked after nearly five seconds. "I meant why are we out here, in this canyon!"

"Oh!" Sain exclaimed. "I…uh…yeah…" He finished lamely.

"And what was that stuff about Elimine?" Kent continued.

"Umm…hmm? Nothing."

"You want to talk about it?"

"No…"

"You sure."

"Yeah."

After making sure that the subject was indeed dead, Kent continued with his original question.

"Seriously though, why ARE we out here? As far as I can tell, it's just a boxed canyon, in the middle of the Nabata Desert with no way in or out. The only reason we have red base there, is because they have a blue base there, and the only reason they have a blue base there, is because we have a red base here." Kent reasoned.

"Yeah," Sain stated. "That's because we're fighting each other."

"No really." Kent continued. "Even if we were to pull out today, and they were to come take our base, they would have two bases in the middle of a boxed canyon. What would they freaking do?"

"Yeah, what's up with that anyways?" Sain added. "I mean, I signed up to fight some dragons, the next thing you know, Lord Hector wipes out the entire race and I'm stuck in the middle of nowhere, fighting a bunch of guys dressed in blue…"

Meanwhile, two blue men were stand on a ledge overlooking the red base. One of the men, a light blue clad man with long purple hair held a longbow and spied on the enemy base.

His brown haired friend, clad in turquoise, stood behind him and looked anxiously over his shoulders.

"Hey Erk." The turquoise man, named Wil, pestered. "What are they doing now?"

"What?" Erk said impatiently turning around.

"I said, what are they doing?" Wil asked again innocently.

Erk sighed. "Dear St. Elimine I am so damn sick of answering that question!"

"Hey, you have the freaking longbow and I can't see crap. Don't start yelling at me because I'm not going to sit up here and play with your hair all day."

"Okay…first of all, I'll pretend not to hear that." Erk replied. "Second of all, they're just TALKING. They're just standing there and talking. That's all they EVER do. That's what they were doing last week and that's what they were doing five minutes ago when you asked me that question. So five minutes from now, when you ask me that question again, they will STILL just be standing there, and they will still just be talking."

"Oh…" Wil said, and he remained quiet for a few seconds before he got bored again. "So, what are they talking about?"

Erk looked at his teammate with disgust. "You know what?" He said. "I really hate you."

Back at the red base, the two red soldiers were still discussing the question as to why they were there fighting in a boxed canyon.

"Talk about a waste of resources." Sain was saying. "I mean, we should be out there, finding newer and more intelligent life forms and like, fight them."

"Yeah, no shit." Kent replied. "That's why they should put us in charge."

Just then, the sergeant in command of the red base called from downstairs.

"Hey!" He yelled. "Front and center on the double!"

"Damn…" Sain muttered under his breath while Kent the kiss up shouted a hearty "Yes Sir!" back towards the Sarge, also known as Wallace.

"Hurry it up ladies!" Wallace bellowed as Kent and Sain scurried up to him. "This ain't no ice cream social!"

"Ice cream social?" Kent said bewildered.

"Okay," Wallace said once his men were in front of him. "Anybody here, want to guess why I gathered you here today?"

"Umm…" Sain guessed. "Is it because the war is over and you're sending us home?"

Wallace looked at Sain and sneered in a very scarcastic tone, "That's right Sain, the war's over, we've won. Turns out youse a big hero, and we're gonna hold a parade in your honor. I get to ride the Pegasus, and Simmons here will be IN CHARGE OF THEM COLORED GEMS!"

"I'm no stranger to sarcasm sir." Sain replied calmly, being so used to his sergeant yelling at him.

"DEAR ST. ELIMINE PRIVATE!" Wallace bellowed in frustration. "Shut yer mouth before I have Kent here slit your throat in your sleep!"

Kent looked at Sain and grinned. "Oh, and I'd do it too!"

"I know you would Kent, good man." Wallace said to Kent with a fatherly pride. He then addressed both men as a unit once again. "Couple of things ladies, command has seen fit to increase our ranks here at Blood Gulch Outpost number one."

Sain knew what that meant.

"Crap…" He groaned. "We're getting a lousy squire."

"That's right dead man." Wallace replied to Sain's groaning. "Our new lackey will be here within the week. But today, we received the first part of our shipment from command. Raven, bring out the package!"

At his words, a silent, red haired man with menacing golden eyes rode out on a beautiful horse. He reined in the horse in front of the two speechless privates as they stood there talking random gibberish at the sight of the horse.

"May I introduce our new light reconnaissance horse. It has soft brownish hair, three inch hard hoofs, country club trained jumping balance, leather quiver and arrow holder, AND… total seating for three." Wallace proudly boasted. "Gentlemen! This is the Purebred Arabian AraAppalossa! I like to call it, the Horse."

"Umm…" Kent said after looking at it for a bit. "Why Horse sir?"

"Because son, Purebred Arabian AraAppalossa is just too long to say in normal conversation." Wallace replied.

"No, but why Horse? It doesn't look like one." Sain commented.

"Say that again?" Wallace turned towards Sain.

"No really." Sain said. "I think it looks more like a pony."

Wallace stared at Sain. "…What in Elibe is a pony?"

"You mean like the mailing service?" Kent asked.

"You know…" Sain explained. "It's like a horse, only smaller, and cutesier, because seriously, how the hell is THAT thing going to carry three people?"

Wallace looked menacingly at the private. "You're making that up."

"No!" Sain pleaded. "I'm telling you it's a real animal!"

"Kent!" Wallace ordered. "I want you to poison Sain's next meal."

"Yes Sir!" Kent agreed enthusiastically.

Wallace than turned to the horse and pointed out its feet. "Look, see these hoofs? Now what kind of animal has hoofs?"

"Umm," Sain pondered. "A cow."

Wallace looked at the private incredulously. "Didn't I tell you not to make up animals!"

Over at the cliff, Erk continues to spy on the reds as they argued over the name of their new AraAppalossa.

"What is that thing?" Wil asked as he saw the huge creature standing next to the reds.

"I dunno," Erk said. "Looks like they got some kind of horse down there. We better get back to base and report it."

"A horse!" Wil exclaimed. "How come they get a horse?"

"What are you complaining about!" Erk asked. "We're about to get a freaking PEGASUS in the next drop."

"Man, you can't pick up anybody in a Pegasus, it's too girly." Wil complained.

"Oh you can bitch about ANYTHING can't you?" Erk said exasperated. "We're about to get a Pegasus, and you're worried about picking up girls. What girl is going to go for a wimpy hero worshipper like you anyways! And besides, how the hell are you supposed to pick up anybody in a horse that looks like that!"

After recovering from the blow to his ego, Wil piped up again. "What does it look like?"

"I dunno," Erk said. "Kinda like a small cutesy little horse."

"You mean a pony?"

"Yeah, there you go."

Meanwhile, the Wallace was finally putting his foot down back at Red base.

"Okay, so unless anybody has any more mythical creatures to suggest for the name, we're going to stick with, the Horse. How about it Sain?" Wallace asked turning towards the orange private.

"No sir, no more suggestions." Sain sighed.

"Are you sure?" Wallace teased. "How about Wyvern?"

"That's okay." Sain said.

"Unicorn?"

"No really, I'm cool."

"Pheonix?" Kent added, joining in the fun.

"Hey man." Sain complained to his partner. "He doesn't need any help."

"Dragon!" Wallace continued.

"Oh Elimine…" Sain sighed.

"Hey Kent! What was the name of those short little critters? You know? Pointy ears, half dragon?"

"That would be a Mamkute sir." Kent replied dutifully

"Yeah, how about it Sain? Mama-thingy. I like it. It has a nice ring to it."

Sain groaned and decided to just turn from the two snickering morons and walk away.

* * *

Apple: Yeah, that was Episode one and two of Red vs Blue with…a few creative liberties.. I just wanted to get this up to see how it goes. In the future, I'll actually combine more shorter episodes. Oh and if you're wondering, each episode is only a few minutes long. Well, please review and tell me what you think. 

Oh and how many of you got the "Mail service" joke? Because you know, pony express? Mailing service? Bah, I'm probably just too old.

Oh and does anyone know how to fix those apostrophes and the three dot thingys? Quickedit seems to mess em up.

And I will shut up now.


	2. Two n00bs and a Pegasus

Apple: Hey everyone, I'm back. Thanks for all your nice comments! You're all so nice.

Lady of Dragons: Fire Emblem and RvB rocks! Glad to meet someone as crazy as I am! ;

Sara Jaye: Hehe, well, hope it'll amuse you more as it goes on!

Picup: Hehe, I think you'll find out Donut and Caboose in this one. I hope my casting is good!

Link015: ; Glad you like my correlations. But I did have help. My friend and I both came up with stuff for it. And Red vs Blue does rule.

K-Gforever: Yes, well Wallace is an idiot, and Wil's…just Wil. He's cool though 3

sYnergY's Duality: Oh…stupid MS Word then. ; That was actually the first two episodes. Glad you like it.

Apple: Yay! I got lotsa reviews. Hopefully I'll be able to keep updates going for ya. Well, here's the next chapter!

* * *

Kent and Sain stood atop the Red base, arguing, as always. 

"That's not how it happened!" Kent said indignantly.

"Yes it is!" Sain argued. "You said 'I'm not going to the Western Isles' and the next thing I know you're on a Wyvern heading we-."

As they argued, both men failed to notice a red clad feminine figure with long blonde hair standing behind them.

"Excuse me, ahh sirs?"

Kent and Sain turned around and faced the newcomer. It took one look for Sain's testosterone level to skyrocket.

"Ahh, my enchantress, you need not be so formal with me." Sain said, making goo-goo eyes.

"Sirs!" Kent said, being more rational than his love-struck partner.

The newcomer continued in a male voice. "I was told to go to blood gulch outpost number one and asked to report to whoever was in charge."

"Whoawhoawhoa!" Sain yelled. "This can't be true! WHY DOES THIS HAVE TO BE TRUE!"

"Excuse me?" The newcomer asked.

"YOU! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE A BEAUTIFUL GIRL! WHY THE VOICE! WHAT'S WITH THE VOICE!" Sain overreacted, going into shock.

The newcomer slapped his forehead. "Oh St. Elimine, I'm so sick of this! I'm a guy okay!"

Kent chose this time to butt in. "Umm, okay, well, the Sarge isn't here, but he left me in charge."

Upon hearing this, Sain snapped out of his reverie. "Oh you are such a kiss ass!"

"ALSO," Kent continued. "He told me that if I had any trouble from you, I should… 'Get in the horse, and trample you like a tomato.'"

"…oh that is THE worst impression I've ever heard." Sain said hearing Kent trying to imitate Wallace.

Kent decided to drop the subject. "Okay lackey, what's your story?"

The newcomer snapped quickly into attention. "Private Lucy reporting for duty sirs! I'm ready to fight some Dragons."

Sain and Kent looked at each other before the orange one spoke "Okay, couple of things here rookie. First off…Private Lucy! I thought you said you were a guy."

The private sighed. "Oh god, everybody just calls me that because everyone thinks I'm a girl. My real name is actually Lucius."

Sain stared for a bit. "Okay, that actually made sense. Secondly, what's with the armor color?"

Lucius looked at his armor. "Well, this is the standard issue red."

"Yeah, I know." Sain continued. "Look, only two kinds of people wear standard issue armor, officers and recruits, and since you're not trying to feed me to a Wyvern, you're probably not an officer."

Lucius thought for a second and looked at Kent. "Well, he's wearing red armor."

Kent held up his finger and said analytically, "No, my armor is MAROON, YOUR armor is red."

"Well…how do I get a different color armor?" Lucius asked.

Kent sighed. "I'll bet the blues don't have to put up with this kind of crap."

Meanwhile, at the other side of the canyon, Erk and Wil were looking at a beautiful white winged horse while a blue clad girl with two flaming pink pigtails jabbered on.

"So I look at the guy see and I ask him 'how are you going to get the pegasus into the canyon' but he was so mean to me and he said 'I'll just ride it in' so I say to him, 'well, if you're going to just ride it in, then why don't they just give you the arrows and use you to fight instead?'"

Wil, having finally met his match in annoyingness, turned to the girl and said. "Dude lackey, you're ruining the moment…shut up."

"Oh…okay…you got it, anything for you and…Erky" the girl said placing a dreamy emphasis on the last name.

Erk would've gotten really mad, if he wasn't too busy admiring the Pegasus. "Dude, I could blow up the entire Elimine damn world with this thing." He sighed.

Back at the red base, Kent began to brief Lucius.

"Okay Private Lucy, here's the deal-"

"I just refuse to call him Lucy. It's unholy!" Sain interrupted.

"We've got a very important mission for you. Do you think you can handle it?" Kent continued, ignoring his orange friend.

"Absolutely!" Lucius responded

"We need you to go to the vendor and get two quarts of… bow grease."

"Yeah, and pick up some horseshoe polish for the pony too while you're at it." Sain joined in.

"What!" Lucius asked.

"He means the horse." Kent clarified.

"You do know where the vendor is, right lackey?" Sain asked.

"Huh? Oh yeah, yeah. Of course I do. Sure, no problem!" Lucius responded, obviously lying.

"Well, get going then." Kent said.

Lucius turned and headed towards back wall of the canyon. Kent and Sain sighed.

"Other way…" Sain reminded him.

Lucius quickly corrected himself. "Oh right…I knew that. Just got turned around that's all."

"And for god's sake hide your hair! We don't want you to get raped by some bandit thinking you're a woman!" Kent yelled after his departing figure.

"Right!" Lucius yelled back while frantically stuffing his hair into his helmet.

As they watched Lucius go off, Kent turned to Sain and asked, "How long do you think until he finds out there's no vendor here."

"I'd say…at least a week." Sain replied.

As Lucius headed up a path away from the base he turned back and sneered at the acting COs.

"Bow grease! How stupid do they think I am!" he thought out loud before heading away muttering. "Once I get back to base with the horseshoe polish, I'm going to have a serious talk with the sergeant."

At the blue base, Wil and Erk were still admiring the Pegasus while the pink haired girl admired Erk.

"You know what?" Wil said after a while. "I take back what I said earlier. We could definitely pick up girls in this thing, probably two or three girls a piece."

"Oh man, listen to you." Erk mocked. "What are you going to do with two chicks!"

"Erk! Women are like, bowstrings! The more you can hook up, the better it gets!"

Back at red base, Kent and Sain were contemplating their actions.

"Do you think we were too mean to the kid?" Kent asked.

"Nah, he'll just wonder around the cliffs for a few hours. What's the worst that can happen?" Sain replied.

Just as the words left Sain's mouth, Lucius came across a building with three bluish clad figures standing around a Pegasus on the outside.

"Finally!" he huffed. "The vendor."

As he walked towards it, he noticed the Pegasus and his eyes lit up. "OH SWEET!" He exclaimed. "They sell Pegasi!"

Meanwhile, Erk was telling a secret to Wil and their new lackey.

"Hey listen, I'll let you in on a secret, I've actually got a girl back home." He said, blushing a bit.

The pink haired girl immediately stiffened up and scowled at his words. Wil though was curious and he continued to pry into Erk's private life.

"Oh really? Girlfriend or wife?" He asked.

"Oh no man…she's just my girlfriend." Erk replied sheepishly and the girl visibly gave a small sigh of relief. "We were going to get married." Erk continued. "But I got shipped out…and you know how it works."

"Oh…well, you going to marry her when you get back?" Wil asked.

The girl took her chance to interrupt. "I don't know. My dad used to always say "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free."

Erk stiffened. "Hey lackey! Did you just call my girlfriend a cow!"

"No." The pink haired girl said. "I'm calling her a SLUT!"

"I'll tell you what rookie." Erk said sarcastically. "I could sit out here and listen to you insult my girlfriend all day long. But as it turns out, I've got a lot more important jobs for you to do."

"Great…" The girl mumbled.

"See…we've got this…Lord." Erk continued.

"Right, the Lordy guy…" Wil repeated.

"Who likes to come by and…make random inspections in bases." Erk finished. "So what I'mma have you do, is I'mma have you go into the base and stand right next to the flag at attention just incase he decides to come by."

"When is he coming by?" The girl asked.

"We never know." Wil explained. "Could be today, could be a week from now."

"You want me to stand at attention for a week!" The girl asked incredulously.

"You know, you don't sound very grateful." Erk said. "This is the most important job in the whole base. You're gonna be right there with the flag."

"…what's so important about the flag!"

"Oh come on! Don't they teach you anything in training? It's important because…because it's the flag man, you know…it's the flag…Wil, you tell her what's so important about the flag."

"Well, it's…it's complicated." Wil began. "I mean uhh…it's blue, we're blue…"

"It's just important okay? Trust us!" Erk finished. "So when the Lordcomes by, the first thing he's gonna want to do is inspect the flag. So just go in there, you know, far away from us and wait for him."

"Okay, if you say so Erky." The girl replied cheerfully and ran off thinking she's got an important job.

"And STOP CALLING ME THAT!" Erk yelled after her.

The girl didn't hear him, but she did turn around half way to the base to ask a question.

"Umm, how would I know him when I see him!"

"There's only three of us out here." Wil answered. "He's gonna be the guy who doesn't look like one of us."

"Now get in there and DON'T COME OUT!" Erk yelled.

After the girl has gone, Erk turned towards Wil. "Man, that thing is dumber than you are."

"You mean she's dumber than YOU are." Wil retorted.

"Wow Wil, that was a great comeback…"

Just then, the pink haired one came out again. "Oh Erky!"

"Oh St. Elimine." Erk grumbled. "WHAT!"

"Sorry about calling your girl a slut, even though she really is one!"

"LACKEY! SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP YOU'RE DRIVING ME CRAZY! JUST GET IN THERE!" Erk yelled in fury.

Wil turned around a snickered his partner's misfortunes. Unfortunately, Erk heard him.

"Wil, are you laughing at me?" Erk said threateningly calm.

Just then, Lucius arrived and saw two blue clad men standing there. He walked behind them and cleared his throat, unfortunately for him, he stubbed his toe, raising his voice an octive.

"Umm, excuse me, sir? Can I ask you a question?" Lucius asked in his abnormally high voice.

"Dear…St. Elimine…lackey" Erk enunciated in agitation. "If I turn around, and you're not inside, I- I can't be held responsible for what I am going to do to you!"

"Wha? What did I do?" Lucius asked, confused.

"ONE!" Erk bellowed.

"Ahh, give me a break." Lucius groaned.

"TWO!"

"Fine!" Lucius sighed and turned around to go into the base.

Walking inside, he found a blue clad pink haired girl standing at attention next to a flying blue flag.

"Wow! You got here fast!" The girl exclaimed when he got in.

Lucius' frustration at the man outside made him forget about the pain so his voice returned to normal again.

"God, why is everyone so rude in the canyon!" He groaned.

"I'm not sir!" The girl said enthusiastically. "What can I do for you?"

"Finally." Lucius groaned. "Someone with a little respect around here."

"Yes sir!" the pink haired one said again. "I assume you're here because of this." She said turning towards the flag.

"Wait…is this all you have?" Lucius asked.

"Uhh, yes sir, that's it!"

"Ahh man, this figures. Shit…what about bow grease!"

"Umm…."

"Horseshoe Polish?"

"Nope, all we have is this flag!"

"Well, I can't go back empty handed, so I guess I'll take that." Lucius said grabbing the flag.

"Sure…uhh, that makes sense…I guess." The girl said.

"Man…" Lucius groaned. "They're gonna give me so much shit for coming back with just this flag."

As he left, the girl giggled, thinking that she did a good job and Erk would be very proud of her and maybe notice 'other' things about her.

Meanwhile, the other two blue idiots were still at the Pegasus.

"Well, enough gabbing out of us." Erk said. "Let's take this bad boy out for a spin! Go ahead and hop in Wil."

"Me?" Wil laughed nerviously. "I can't ride that thing!"

"You're telling me you're NOT Pegasi Certified?"

"Of course not! I'm a freaking archer! I take down those bastards, not ride them! That thing probably has its "Archer bastard sensors" on overload right now!"

The Pegasus glared at Wil and snorted as if in response.

"See?" Wil said pointing at the winged beast. "Don't you know how to ride it?"

"NO!" Erk yelled as if it were obvious. "HOLY ST. ELIMINE WHO IS RUNNING THIS ARMY!"

Just then, the pink haired girl came out of the base beaming.

"Oh Erky!" She squealed. "Just wanted to let you know, the Lord stopped by, and picked up the flag!"

"Yeah! OKAY! WHATEVER MORON!" Erk yelled back at her before turning back to Wil. "Why would they give us a PEGASUS, if nobody here knows how to RIDE the damn thing!

Just then, the girl's words hit him.

"Wait a minute…WHAT did she say!"

* * *

Apple: Show of hands…how many of you actually expected SERRA to be Caboose! ; Hee, I'm evils. Or I'm evils to Erk, but then the one sided SerraxErk pairing is cute in the game, or at least…Erk wishes that it's one sided. Anyways, enough of my rambling. Hope y'all continue to enjoy my fic and keep reviewing! 


	3. OMFG teh n00b got the flag!

Apple: Hi everyone! Thanks for reading my fic. Everyone here is so nice to me!

Zefff: Ack! I'm sorry for not putting you with the other ch. 1 reviewers, but you reviewed after I posted. Umm…as far as pairings go, there will be two, a one sided Erk/Serra (Which you already figured all probably) and a Erk/(Tex's Character) pairing. Other than that, nope.

Link015: Heh, thanks, I'm really glad you like my ideas. I was a bit tired and I watch the episodes while typing this so yeah, I can see where I screw up. I think I went through and fixed everything though. Thanks for the heads up.

Nightmare: Yeah, I was tired XD; (Bad excuse, but it works). Umm, Tex will be…a surprise! So will O'Malley.

Picup: Heh, not a lot of people expected Serra, probably a lot of you expected Bartre. But I think Serra works better.

Apple: Wee! Thanks everyone! Now on to Chapter 3, which will be Episodes 5 and 6. And I just noticed I forgot to put in the title to Ch.2. Oh well, not that big of a miss anyways. I had no idea what the title would be before updating anyways.

* * *

OMFG the n00b got the flag!

On top of blue base, Erk, Wil, and the pink haired girl stood looking out at the canyon. Erk was visibly agitated as he twitched about in fury. He then turned towards the girl.

"Okay, let me get this straight." He snarled. "You GAVE this guy our flag."

The girl looked at him in puzzlement. "Is…that bad Erky?"

"Bad? Oh that's not bad." Erk said sarcastically turning away from her. "Next time he comes over, why don't you just help him blow up the whole god damned base!"

Just then, Wil spotted the red clad figure running away with a gigantic flag. "Look! There he is!"

Erk picked up his longbow again and looked towards the direction Wil pointed out.

"Where?" He asked swinging the bow left to right before finding his mark. "Oh yeah there! I got him! He's sneaking around back before the cliff."

Wil whistled. "He must be one smart son of a bow."

As the blues were talking, Lucius was still carrying the flag around in the canyon.

"Aww man." He groaned. "I am so freaking lost. Where the hell is the base!"

Back at blue base, Erk noticed the color of the man's armor.

"Oh shit, hey Wil, look at his armor. It's red."

Wil groaned. "Aww man, that means it's their sergeant."

"Well, that makes sense." Erk said. "At least now we know how he got by our defenses."

Just then, the girl cut in. "Uhh, you know. He came in the back door where you guys were standing."

"Yeah, okay, well let's take him out then." Wil said completely ignoring her.

"Roger that." Erk said taking careful aim and pulling back the string. "Okay, say goodnight Sarge…"

With that, Erk released the string, letting loose fast flying arrow that buried itself in the dirt just in front of the running Lucius. After his first miss, Erk immediately stringed another one and fired, missing again. After firing two more arrows and missing both, Erk ran out of arrows.

Across the canyon, Lucius danced as four deadly arrows with not so deadly aim buried themselves in to the ground him.

"SON OF A BITCH!" He yelled, turning around to find the source.

At blue base, a disgruntled Erk lowered his longbow after missing his mark four times. "Ahh crap…" he muttered.

He turned to look at Wil staring at him in disbelief.

"What!" He asked.

"You're REALLY not good with that thing are you?" Wil asked.

While the blues were bantering, Lucius turned towards the source of the arrow fire and quickly pleaded for his life.

"HEY IT'S ME!" he yelled. "DON'T SHOOT! I'M THE GUY WHO BOUGHT THE FLAG! REMEMBER!"

Wil was the first to hear his shouts. "Oh great, now he's taunting us. That's just embarrassing."

Erk threw up his hands. "All right, that's enough. I've had it." Then he turned to Serra. "Lackey, you stay here. Me and Tucker, we'll use this warp point, and we'll cut him off at the pass."

"Right!" the girl answered.

"Wil, you ready?" Erk asked. "Let's go."

Wil looked at the warp point and said, "There is no way I'm going through that thing."

"Wil, we don't have time for this." Erk said. "Why would they give us a warp point if it doesn't work?

"I don't know! Why would they give us a Pegasus that nobody can ride. Besides! That's not a warp point! That's a freaking warp stave taped to a wall!"

"We already tested the warp point, remember?"

"WE THREW ROCKS THROUGH IT!"

"Yeah? And?" Erk said, completely oblivious to the dangers. "So what? They came out on the other side didn't they?"

"Yeah, but they were all hot, and covered with black stuff." Wil reminded him.

"Oh, okay so I guess that's what this is all about then." Erk scoffed. "You're afraid of a little black stuff."

"Yes, I am, I am afraid of black stuff."

"Wil…" Erk said raising an iron bow. "I almost hate to do this to ya."

"…you wouldn't." Wil said looking at the deadly arrow notched to stab his brains out.

"You know, I look at it this way." Erk explained. "Either a, we go through there and get the flag back, or b, we stay here, and I get to kill you. Either way, I win."

Wil sighed and tried one last time. "For the record, rocks aren't people."

"Duly noted." Erk said. "Now get in there."

"CRAP…" Wil said. "All right."

He took a deep breath. "One…two…THREE!" And ran into the wall, hitting the warp stave, and disappearing.

Erk and the girl looked out at the exit point of the warp point, which was just another warp stave tied to a stake, and waited. After a waiting for a while and still not seeing Wil come out, the girl noted the obvious.

"Hmm," She said. "He didn't come out the other side."

"Yeah…" Erk said sheepishly. "I've uhh…I've decided not to use the teleporter."

With that, Erk ran off towards the middle of the canyon.

"Okay lackey, you stay here! I'll be back with the flag!" he yelled over his back.

On the other side, Sain was surveying the field with the red team longbow while Kent stood behind him in annoyance.

"I still have no idea what you're talking about." Kent said. "I didn't hear any shots."

Sain sighed. "I'm telling you, it was four shots that hit the ground. Like 'Thud thud thud.'"

Kent thought for a second. "Wait a second, that's only three 'thuds.'"

"Thud…" Sain finished for Kent.

Just then, he saw a blue clad man with purple hair heading towards the middle.

"Wait a second…" he said. "We got a blue guy on the move out there."

"Where's he headed?" Kent asked.

As Sain swung towards the blue man's projected destination he saw something interesting. "Oh crap…it's Lucy… and he's got something. It looks like…"

The Sain realized what Lucius was holding the blue flag. He slowly and deliberately turned towards Kent.

"Kent…" He said slowly. "Get the horse."

Kent chuckled a bit. "You mean the pony?" He said.

"Yeah…keep making jokes." Sain said sarcastically. "That'll win the war."

Meanwhile, Erk had reached the red man with his iron bow drawn. "Freeze!" He yelled.

Lucius was out of breath from dodging and panicking. "Hey! Why the hell were you shooting at me?" He asked Erk. "You could've hit me you prick!"

"Can it!" Erk yelled. "Don't try to play stupid with me Sergeant Wallace! I know who you are! We've been spying on you for three weeks now."

"I just got here two hours ago." Lucius said annoyed. "And I'm not a Sergeant, I'm a private, and my name isn't Wallace, I'm Lucius."

Just then, Erk noticed the blonde strands of hair under the man's helmet. "Wait a minute, you're not the sergeant! You're not bald!"

"Yeah…that's what I just said!"

"Well the how the hell did you manage to steal our flag!" Erk asked.

"Steal!" Lucius said confused. "I have no idea what the hell you're talking about!"

Just then, the warp point near the two man reacted and suddenly a man covered in a blackish substance burst out.

"ST. ELIMINE!" Erk yelled in surprise.

"HOLY SHIT!" Lucius screamed. "Who is this guy?"

"WHAT IN THE HELL!" Erk yelled at the newcomer before realizing who it was. "WIL, IS THAT YOU!"

Wil looked at Erk in puzzlement. "How the hell did you get here ahead of me?"

"And what's with that black stuff on your armor?" Lucius asked.

"Hey!" Wil yelled raising his short bow. "FREEZE SARGE!"

"Would you stop calling me a sergeant!" Lucius asked in frustration. "I'm still just a private!"

"The sergeant is still a private!" Wil said in awe. "OH…ST. … ELIMINE! The warp point sent me back in time!"

Meanwhile, Sain was getting onto the horse back at red base while Kent got on behind him and took the archer position.

"Sorry Raven, but we need the horse." Sain said.

"Let's roll!" Kent yelled from back and Sain rode off.

"Don't worry Raven!" He shouted back "I'll bring her back breathing!"

Back in the middle of the canyon, Wil was explaining things to Erk.

"Look, I know you don't know me, but you have to believe what I'm about to tell you." Wil explained. "Sometime in your future, I get stationed here in Blood Gulch, and we meet. And this guy here, he gets promoted to the sergeant of the red army and we spy on them. And they get this new horse and I'm all like 'there is NO way you can pick up chicks in a Pegasus!'"

Erk heard enough. "Wil…what the heck are you babbling about!"

"I know all this sounds crazy, but he eventually becomes the sergeant, and then one day we get a Pegasus, and he comes and steals our flag while we're distracted." Wil finished.

"Is this guy a retard?" Lucius asked.

As this went on, the sound of plodding hoofs grew in the background. Erk didn't take notice.

"Red, shut up." Erk said firmly. "Wil, listen to me, you haven't gone back in time okay? This IS the guy who stole the flag; he's just not the sergeant. Turns out, he's just some dumb lackey who happens to have the same color armor as him. He got in somehow, just…" That's when he heard the noise. "FOR GODSAKE SOMEBODY TURN OFF THAT HORSE!"

As soon as Erk said that, Sain jumped in with the horse, scaring the crap out of everyone.

"HOLY SHIT!"

"SON OF A BITCH!"

"RUN! ELIMINE RUN!" Erk yelled as he and Wil headed for cover.

Sain reined in the horse and got off as he watched Kent shoot arrows with medieval longbow efficiency at the retreating blues. Erk and Wil ran behind a rock and ducked down as a stream of arrows bounced off the rock and thudded into the ground around them. Sain then turned towards Lucius.

"What the hell is going on around here?" He asked.

"You know what? I honestly have no what's going on." Lucius replied. "I think everyone in this canyon is absolutely insane!"

"How did you get their flag!" Sain continued.

"I don't know, I just asked for it."

"Wait, that worked!"

"I guess…" Lucius said. "Is it not supposed to?"

"I don't know." Sain said. "We never even thought to try that. Just take the flag to the base. I'll explain there."

"Not until somebody tells me what the heck is goi-"

"THERE'S NO TIME TO EXPLAIN LACKEY!" Sain interrupted frantically. "JUST TAKE THE FLAG AND GO TO BASE! I'LL EXPLAIN EVERYTHING THERE!"

"FINE!" Lucius forced through clenched teeth before grabbing the flag and heading towards the wrong end of the canyon.

"BACK TO OUR BASE MORON!" Sain yelled.

"Uh, I know, I got turned around that's all."

Back at blue base, the lackey was looking through the longbow at her compatriots being bombarded by a stream of arrows.

"Oh man…" She said. "That's not good."

She trained the longbow to the source of the arrows.

"Dear St. Elimine that jeep has a really big quiver."

She stowed the longbow and wondered what to do next.

"Stay here…" She said before turning to the Pegasus, "Pegasus….Stay here, Pegasus…"

Then she decided. "Ahh screw it…" She said running back towards the Pegasus.

Meanwhile, Erk and will were still stuck behind the rock. In the walls behind them and the ground around them, the tails of thousands of arrows protruded from the ground.

"Well…" Erk said. "We'll just wait here. Either that thing's going to run out of arrows, or the archer's arms will fall off. Eventually, one or the other has to happen."

* * *

Apple: WEE! Another chapter! Well, thanks to everyone who reviewed! I luv you all! I hope y'all continue reading and liking my fic. And don't forget to review n.n 


	4. Don't Ph34r the Reaper

Apple: Yay! People reviewed n.n I am happy.

Nightmare: Hehe, thanks. I liked those two scenes too. And we'll still see about O'malley.

montblancerk: Muahahaha! I have pulled off the impossible! Heh, I like Caboose the best, he's so funny.

Picup: Yep, who doesn't like to see choreographed cussing? And you'll see who Tex is...

Zeff: Sorry...but yano...Sain is Grif...and nobody in RvB goes with Grif...and yeah...besides, I dun like Priscilla, but she's pretty though n.n

K-Gforever: Hehe, Wil's always clueless. Lucius is just…Lucius. Hehe, there's no words to describe what may come.

Link015: Hehe, thanks, I hope my updates are soon enough for yas.

Apple: Phew...wow, lotsa reviews! Anyways, Next two episodes. Oh and I had to put one part out of order...sry! And it's sorta in script...so you can imagine it as sorta part of the A/N, but I just wanted to do it.

Don't Ph34r the Reaper

* * *

Apple pretending to be narrator and have a deep guy voice: Yesterday, on Red vs Blue: FE.

Erk: You didn;t update yesterday. You were too busy crying over SAT scores?

Apple: Umm, I mean day before Yesterday...

Serra: Oh man that horse has a really big quiver. puts Longbow away hmm...stay here...Pegasus...stay here...Pegasus...goes towards Pegasus ahh screw it...

Apple: Coming up, on Red vs Blue: FE. You've read them for three chapters... but coming up, the unthinkable! Someone!

Sain's picture-

Will!

Sain's picture-

DIE!

Sain's picture-

Wallace: I sure hope it's Sain.

* * *

Wil and Erk are still crouching behind the rock as billions of arrows embed themselves into the surrounding bed rock. As time passed, the began to think that they would never get out of there. 

"St. Elimine! Doesn't that thing ever run out of arrows!" Erk asked.

"You know," Wil observed. "In hindsight, we should've brought the Pegasus."

"Hey Wil." Erk said. "What good is a Pegasus gonna do in a shower of arrows for two guys who don't know how to ride it?"

"Uhh, yeah...and I can see how hiding behind a rock is a much better strategy."

"Well...yeah...but...ahh man, I guess I have to give that one to ya." Erk conceded.

Back at Blue base, the pink haired one swiftly walked to the Pegasus and mounted it with out any difficulty. As soon as she mounted, the Pegasus came to life, communicating telepathically with its rider.

"Hello, and thank you for mounting the I-21 Main Battle Pegasus. You may call me Huey."

"Hello...Huey...big...nice Pegasus guy." The girl said nervously.

"Would you like me to give you a beginner's lesson?" Huey asked.

"Oh...that would be nice."

"This lesson is intended to instruct non-certified personnel in the use of me, the Ilian Class Pegasus. Let's begin with some trotting and flying." Huey said in a rather instructive manner before taking off across the field.

At the horse, Sain noticed something about the field and turned to Kent to tell him something.

"KENT!" He yelled over the twang-whoosh-thud of the arrows. Unfortunately, Kent didn't hear him over the noise.

"KENT!" He yelled again louder. This time Kent heard him and stopped him incessant arrow launching. "Man...that thing is loud." Sain noted.

"WHAT!" Kent yelled back experiencing temporary deafness from the noise.

"Come on." Sain said. "Lets sneak around the back of the rock and get them out."

"OKAY!" Kent yelled.

"PIPE DOWN!" Sain warned. "Elimine! Let's go before they figure out what's going on."

Somewhere else in the canyon, the girl was struggling with riding the Pegasus while Huey seemed casually indifferent about the fact that his rider was about to fall off to her death.

"Now that you've mastered the riding and flying the I-21, let's go onto safety." Huey said telepathically again.

"NO! NO! WAIT! GO BACK!" The girl yelled. "Why is there only one rein and four different directions!"

Back behind the rock, Erk noticed something about their adversary. Mainly that no more arrows were flying anymore.

"Psttt! Hey!" He whispered loudly to Wil. "They stopped firing."

"Why are you whispering?" Wil asked.

"Uh...I don't know..." Erk whispered back.

On the other side of the rock, Sain and Kent faced an enormous problem.

"Ahh crap..." Sain said. "I don't think we're gonna get around this place."

"Umm, tell me again..." Kent said. "Why did we get off the horse?"

"Well," Sain replied. "I guess it was this or watch you shoot rocks all day long."

"Well at least that was fun."

Just then, they noticed that a huge white winged horse with a pink haired rider had snuck up behind them. When they turned around, the horse glared at them menacingly.

"HOLY CRAP!" Sain said. "What in Elimine's name is THAT thing?"

At the other end, Erk was explaining his logic to Wil.

"Wil...don't be stupid!" Erk said. "They're just trying to draw us out."

"No they're not, look! They left the horse, they're gone."

"Well..." Erk conceded. "I don't know about this. Seems pretty fishy, but screw it, lets go get it."

On the Pegasus, the girl was looking at the two figures in front of her curiously, wondering what to do.

Sain looked to Kent and said, "Dude, hold still...I don't think it sees us."

As the Pegasus and its rider looked from one man to the next, Sain began to get confused.

"Why is it just sitting there?" He asked.

"Just trying to mess with our heads." Kent replied. "Let's get back to the horse."

Meanwhile, Huey was explaining more details about himself to the girl.

"This Pegasus is equipped with an automatic trampling system that can be activated by stroking my mane. If activated..."

The girl looked around. "Hmm, mane...here here, oh wait...the mane."

Kent and Sain got ready to run.

"Okay you ready?" Kent asked. "Let's do this on three. One."

"Wait... on three or three and then go?" Sain asked.

"On three." Kent said. "It's always faster to go on three."

"Okay okay..." Sain said. "On three."

Just then, the girl found the mane and began to stroke it.

"Lesson over, auto trampling sequence activated." Huey announced.

"Ready?" Kent asked.

"Acquiring targets." Huey said as he looked for something to smash to bits.

At that moment, Erk decided to go for the horse.

"Okay, I'm going for the horse." Erk said. "Cover me."

At the Pegasus, Kent began counting, while Sain decided to leave Kent and break for the jeep without him.

"One..." Kent counted.

At that moment, Huey found his target and got ready to charge.

"Two..." Kent counted.

Meanwhile, Sain ran feverishly towards the horse in a mad race with Erk to get there before him.

"THREE!" Kent yelled and turned around only to see his partner already halfway across the field. "Oh, you backstabbing cockbite!" Kent cursed.

At that moment, Huey charged, flying at incredible speeds into the horse and kicking the poor thing halfway across the map.

"SON OF A BITCH!" Kent yelled.

"SON OF A BITCH!" Sain reciprocated.

"SON OF A BITCH!" Erk echoed.

Erk retreated back to the rock while Kent and Sain headed towards the closest cover they could find, avoiding the crushing hoofs of the mad Pegasus.

As Erk got back to the rock, Wil went up to him and reported.

"Hey dude, the horse flew off!" He said.

"No kidding," Erk said. "Thanks for the update Wil."

Sain and Kent managed to hid behind a rock while the mad Pegasus kicked and stomped on the other side of their cover.

Kent turned to his partner and sneered.

"Hey, I've got a great idea." He said sarcastically. "Let's get off the horse, and sneak around the back of the rock... GREAT PLAN YOU IDIOT!"

After a while, Huey looked around and saw that his prey was gone. Giving a snort, he began to search the premises for new targets to trample.

Just then, Erk noticed the white winged beast and the pink haired rider.

"Hey Wil, look at this man, it's the lackey!" Erk reported. "And he brought the Pegasus out to scare off the reds!"

"WHAT!" Wil said disbelievingly. "NO WAY!"

Erk didn't pay attention and walked out into the open to hail the girl.

"HEY LACKEY! GOOD JOB MAN!" He yelled. "WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL US YOU KNEW HOW TO RIDE THE PEGASUS!"

His shouting attracted the attention of Huey, who gazed up at the source of the voice. He saw the purple haired man from earlier who was making a ruckus and delighted at the opportunity to trample him.

"New target acquired!" Huey said happily.

"That's not a target." The girl said. "That's Erk."

"Yeah that's right!" Erk yelled dumbly. "It's me Erk! What's going on man?"

"Target locked." Huey said evily.

"What? NO! TARGET UNLOCK! UNLOCK!" The girl said frantically poking the Pegasus in various places. "Please help me nice Pegasus guy!"

Just then, the large Pegasus took off with a whoosh. "Going to trample!" Huey yelled.

"Uh...oh..." The girl said from his back.

"Uh oh..." Wil said as he heard the Pegasus communicate to him. "...and how is that thing talking?"

"What?" Erk said as he heard the two mutter. Then he saw the rushing Pegasus. "Ahh...son of a..."

Erk didn't get his last words out before the Pegasus went up to him and smashed the poor man under its hard hoofs before flying back to the ground.

"HOLY SHIT!" Wil screamed. "Erk! Are you okay! TALK TO ME! ERK!"

Then he turned towards the Pegasus and his rider. "YOU TRAMPLED ERK YOU TEAMKILLING TURDS!"

"Wil..." Erk croaked trying to get Wil's attention. "WIL!"

"ERK!" Wil exclaimed. "It's going to be okay man!"

"No..." Erk gasped. "I..I'm no...I'm not gonna make it...Wil...there's something I need to tell you..."

"What is it?" Wil asked.

"I just wanted you to know..." Erk gasped as his life drained from his body. "I always hated you...I always hated you...the most..."

"Yeah," Wil said. "I know you did. Now hurry up and die you prick."

"Okay..." Erk croaked. "I'll...try... HURP! Bleah..." And thus Erk breathed his last and died right there, in front of the man he always hated the most.

* * *

Apple: Okay, who here, who hasn't seen RvB, thought Sain was going to die? Anyone? Heh, well, thought that part of the RvB series was funny, so I put it in. Anyways. Hope y'all continue to enjoy this, and review. n.n 


	5. PostErk

Apple: Heyo! I'm so glad lotsa people reviewed! I feel so loved n.n

Picup: Hehe, it's finally here, we find out who Tex is.

Nightmare3/Nightmare: Hehe n.n thanks. You'll have to wait a while for O'malley though. And yeah, I REALLY chickened out on the "Fcktard" thing….I wanted to do it though.

K-Gforever: Yep, Pegasi have bad manners. Hehe, nope Sain didn't die. Erk did instead.

Zeff: Okay, here's how it goes, RvB is just two teams, the red team and the blue team fighting each other. All the characters are important. Here's a list:

Erk: Private Church (Blue)  
Wil: Private Tucker (Blue)  
Sain: Private Grif (Red)

Kent: Private Simmons (Red)  
Wallace: Sarge (Red)

Lopez: Red team's mechanized droid guy

And a few freelancers here and there

But everybody technically is "a main character."

Onionbreath002: Yes, I remember how you hate Erk so much. And I'm stealing him as a muse! MUAHAHAHA!

Erk: ...Christ, now I'm YOUR muse?

Apple: Yes, I stole you from CharChar.

Erk: ...I will not be responsible if he kills you for that.

Apple: Nah, he won't kill me. He loves me.

Erk: Right...he has your picture on a dartboard.

Apple: -cry-

Erk: Okay, let's start this before it gets weird. And she doesn't own FE nor RvB and she doesn't own me either. I'm a figment of Onionbreath002 who personally hates me as well. Man, why am I so hated?

Apple: But I love you Erky! -hug-

Erk: ACK! STOP! JUST BEGIN WITH THE FIC ALREADY! Your A/N just like...blasted in length

* * *

Post-Erk

Lucius watched as his teammates ran up the ramp to the top of red base.

"What happened?" He asked.

"Big...pegasus...trampling...WOO!" Sain panted.

"Damn man, we only ran like 100 feet. You're really out of shape." Kent noted.

"Fuck…you…" Sain panted in response.

"Where's your horse?" Lucius interrupted as he noticed the two ran back without the Arabian Purebred.

"General Roland here had a great strategy to leave it behind." Kent explained.

"Hey, it would've worked if that Pegasus hadn't shown up." Sain argued.

"YOU LOST THE HORSE!" Lucius exclaimed. "Oh man, Raven is gonna be pissed at you."

"….isn't he ALWAYS pissed?" Sain asked.

"true…." Kent said. "But now he's gonna be even MORE pissed at you."

"Ahh crap….I thought that wasn't possible." Sain said.

"Where is the horse anyways?" Lucius asked.

As soon as he said that, a loud kick followed by a painful whinnying rang out in the field. Moments later, the horse flew over the base and landed painfully in front of Sain.

"What the hell?" Sain mused.

Then as a rude wake up call, a pair of hoofs smashed loudly against one wall of the base, creating a huge racket and shaking the ground.

"SON OF A BITCH!" Sain yelled.

"OH CRAP!" Lucius yelled. "What the hell is that thing!"

"THAT'S THE PEGASUS!" Sain yelled back panting.

"Hey...uhh...Sain, you wanna hold the flag for a bit?" Lucius asked nerviously.

"NO! Keep that away from me!" Sain said backing away.

Meanwhile, Huey, with the pink haired girl in tow, made repeated strikes at the red fortress, successfully making a huge racket with each pass. Wil looked from the side, wondering why the Pegasus was so intent on killing the red team's horse.

"Why do you keep going for the horse!" He yelled to the girl.

"BECAUSE HE'S LOCKED ON!" She screamed back holding on for her dear life as the Pegasus smashed into the wall again.

"Well, UNLOCK IT!" Will shouted.

"LAST TIME I UNLOCKED IT, I KILLED ERKY!"

"Ohh…." Wil said thoughtfully. "Keep trying to kill the horse."

Back at the red base, Lucius was hiding with the flag. He turned towards his companions on the other side.

"I hate to point this out guys…." He said. "But I think we're screwed."

"Yeah…I have to agree with the lackey on this one…." Kent said.

As soon as he said that, their saving grace came in form of their voice transmitting devices, AKA cheap warp staves.

"Blood Gulch outpost number one, come in blood gulch outpost number one. Come in. Do you read me? This is Wallace." A voice cracked out.

"St. Elimine!" Sain said joyously. "Wallace, is that you?"

"Roger that private." Wallace replied. "I am currently on inbound on Pegasi transport to your location from command."

"SIR!" Kent called out. "This is Kent!"

"Hello Kent." Wallace said with more emotion. "I hope everything's been alright since I've been gone."

"Actually sir..." Sain said. "Things are kinda hectic right now. The new lackey arrived, and somehow he managed to infiltrate the blue base. And now we have their flag, the horse is hurt, one of the guys is dead, and there's this huge ass Pegasus here about to squash us all."

"……………………………………………am I talking to the right base?" Wallace asked after a long silence.

"Wallace, WE ARE GOING TO DIE HERE!" Sain said clearly for him.

"Well then hold tight boys…." Wallace said. "I think I got a solution to your tank problem."

With that said, Wallace dropped from the sky with a giant ballista. He began to crank the bolt.

Wil noticed the ballista and its nasty bolt.

"Uh oh…Hey Serra…" Wil said, addressing the girl by her name for the first time while backing away. "You might want to get off the Pegasus….like RIGHT now."

"AHH!" Serra yelled as she frantically tried to dismount. Unfortunately, her robes got caught in the saddle and she worked to free them. Wallace cranked the bolt into position and began to take aim. Serra freed herself then and continued to dismount, but unfortunately, she got her foot stuck in the stirrups. Cursing she worked to free them. Wallace cranked the bolt into position and gave the signal, with a loud whoosh, the bolt launched from the huge ballista. Just then Serra freed herself and ran away as fast as she could from Huey. Just as she left, the huge bolt struck Huey in the leg and the Pegasus gave a loud cry before falling limp, badly injured.

"Man….that was close…." She gasped.

"Look at your Pegasus though…." Wil said.

"Will I dream? Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaisys….Daaaaaaaaaaaaisys…." Huey gasped before falling into unconsciousness.

"NOOOOO! HUEY!" Serra cried out.

"What? NO HUEY! Wait….Huey? Who's Huey?" Wil asked.

"He was the nice person in the tank. He was my friend." Serra sobbed.

"Dude!" Wil said. "I knew you could pick up people in the Pegasus.

Wil and Serra got back to base and Serra set off to clean Wil's armor. Meanwhile, Wil got on his cheap warp stave and contacted blue command.

"Hello blue command, come in blue command, this is Blood Gulch outpost alpha. Do you read me?"

Okay, that is the last of it." Serra said wiping off the last of the black smudges off Wil's armor.

"Did you get all the black stuff off?" Wil asked

Then he was interrupted by a voice from his stave. "This is blue command. Come in Blood Gulch outpost alpha."

"Hello! Command! We need help!"

"Roger that." The blue command dispatch, a red haired man named Eliwood said. "What is your request?"

"I don't know what the technical military term is for it, but we're pretty fucked up down here. We need men!" Wil said informally.

"Dude…." Eliwood said awkwardly. "How long have you guys been down there?"

"Nonononono! Not like that!" Wil corrected immediately. "We need more men to help us."

"Roger that." Eliwood said sighing in relief. "Did you get the Pegasus we sent?"

"Yeah….." Wil explained slowly. "That got shot down by a huge ballista."

"Wow…sucks to be you."

"Yeah, we know."

"Okay, here's what I can do." Eliwood explained. "The nearest blue forces can be there in sixteen days, or I can-"

"Sixteen days!" Wil interjected. "That's almost two weeks!"

"OR…." Eliwood said strongly. "I can hire a nearby freelancer and get him there within a few hours."

"I like the, in an hour one." Serra said.

"Yeah, me too." Wil agreed. "Roger that command, we prefer the quicker solution."

"Ten-four Blood Gulch. We will contact freelancer Farina and get 'em there post haste. Command out."

"Whoever he is, make sure he can fix the tank."

"What's a freelancer?" Serra asked.

"Freelancers aren't red or blue. They're just guns for hire to whoever has the most money." Wil explained.

"Like a mercenary!" Serra said.

"Right, or like your mom, when the taxes are due." Wil poked.

"……OH! That's funny." Serra said, picking up the humor.

"Really? You didn't think that was too obvious?"

"No no, not at all, that was good."

Just then, an errie voice spoke out from behind the two…

"Willllllll…. SERRRRAAAAAAAAAA!" The voice said while a ghostly image of Erk materialized.

"WHO THE HELL ARE YOU!" Wil screamed when he saw the ghost.

"I am the ghost of Erk…." Erk's ghost said. "And I've come back with a WARRRRRRRRRRRRNING!"

"You're not Erk." Serra said laughing. "Erk has blue armor and purple hair. You're all white!"

"Lackey, SHUT UP!" Erk said in his normal irritated voice. "I'm a freaking ghost! Have you ever seen a purple haired blue ghost!"

"Yeah…that's definitely him." Wil mumbled.

"Now I have to start over…." Erk grumbled then he cleared his throat and once again in his eerie voice, "Willlllllll! SERRAAAAAAAAAA! I've come back with a WARRRRRRRNING!"

"Is it really necessary to do the voice?" Wil asked.

"Yeah, it's getting kinda annoying." Serra said.

"All right, fine." Erk grumbled. "Okay, here's the deal. I've come back from the dead to give you a warning about Farina."

"What's the warning?" Serra asked, oblivious to Erk's obvious irritation.

"Shut up for one second and I'll tell you!" Erk snapped.

"Oh…sorry." Serra apologized.

"Seriously man, I'm coming back from the great beyond here, do you think this is easy? It's not! It's not like I can you know... pop in and out whenever I feel like it. It takes a lot of concentration!" Erk explained.

"Sorry..." Serra echoed.

"I mean it's bad enough you've killed me to begin with, but now that I've come back I can't even get a word out in edgewise man." Erk continued. "Okay…. Here's the deal."

"Is this the warning?" Serra interrupted again.

"Okay that's it; I swear to St. Elmine Serra, your ass is haunted." Erk said. "When we're done here, I'm going to haunt you."

"Yeah…you're even starting to bug me." Wil added.

"All right, Wil." Erk said turning his attention away from the annoying girl. "You remember that I told you I was stationed in Ilia before they transferred me to Blood Gulch, right?"

"No." Wil said.

"Ilia?" Serra said quizzically. "Isn't that the island covered in eternal snow?"

"Yes….."

"Cool! What was that like!" Serra asked enthusiastically.

"Umm….it was cold." Erk said.

"What? That's it?" Serra said disappointed. "Just cold?"

"What do you want from me? A poem?" Erk snapped. "It's an island where it NEVER stops snowing. It's really... you just let him talk?" Wil said, getting irritated as well.

"Okay..." Erk continued. "One day when I was there, everything was just like normal. I remember, I was out on patrol with my partner Dorcas. That Dorcas was a real nice kid. Everybody liked him."

"Do you think I was a good kid Erk?" Wil asked

"Wil, don't get jealous man, just listen to the story okay?" Erk said. "Like I said, guys were hanging around, waitin' for some action, bitchin' about the cold. Anyways, Dorcas was telling me all about this girlfriend he had back home."

Flashback---

"Yep, as soon as I get back, I'm gonna get down on one knee, and ask her to marry me." Dorcas said

_And that's when Farina showed up._

A magically cloaked figure looks over the blue base assessing its targets.

_Private Guy was the first to go. He was half way across the base when he suddenly started yelling bloody murder._

"BLOODY MURDER! BLOODY MURDER!" Guy yelled, firing bolts from his killer bow into the ground.

_The whole thing was over before it even started._

The hooded figure ran about the field, strangling everyone in sight with his bowstring.

_Poor Dorcas was the last to go. Farina walked right up to him, pulled his skull right out of his head and beat him to death with it._

End Flashback---

"Wait a second!" Wil interjected. "How do you beat someone to death with their own skull? That doesn't seem physically possible."

"That's exactly what Dorcas was saying!" Erk said surprised.

Flashback---

The person, now uncloaked, had a skull in his hand and was smashing it into Dorcas as blood flew from his body.

"THIS DOESN'T SEEM PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE!" Dorcas uttered before falling dead to the ground.

End Flashback---

"Bottom line is, these freelancers are bad news, and Farina, is one of the worst." Erk finished.

"If he's such a badass, why didn't he kill you?"

"To tell you the truth, I don't know why I wasn't dead." Erk said. "Could've killed me at any time. But maybe it's because Farina and I have run into one another once before."

"Where?" Wil asked.

"You uh….you remember that girl I told you about back home?" Erk asked. "Well, let's just say that Farina's the real reason why we're not married. Guys, I'm fading fast and I don't know when I'll be able to come back. Just listen to my warning. Don't let Farina get involved here."

"Okay." Wil assured him.

"I mean it Wil." Erk said. "No fighting, no scouting, nothing. You'll regret it."

With that, the ghost of Erk faded into nothingness.

"SO, Farina and Erk were after the same girl!" Wil said, jumping to conclusions.

"I told you his girlfriend was a slut." Serra said smiling a bit.

Behind them, a black clad figure with fringes of blue hair under the helmet stood looking at the two gossiping. The figure held an iron bow pointed right at the two and did not indicate any amusement from the gossip.

* * *

Apple: I'm finished! Finally. This was a fun chapter to write, albeit awkward at moments. Yeah, Serra and Wil have no clue that Farina's an obvious girl name. But eh, it's those two, what didja expect? Anyways, hope you keep reading and reviewing n.n

Erk: PS, Apple's a worse muse-torturer than Charlie is.

Apple: -hides torture devices behind her back, pouts and looks innocent-

Erk: …..Charlie...save me!

Apple: n.n hehe, remember to review guys! -closes door and hideous screaming is heard-


	6. Pain Knocking at Your Door

Apple: n.n wee! I'm back! Thankies for all the reviews everyone!

Picup: Yep, Farina is Tex and she beats up Dorcas and Guy! Fits don't it?

Windfox: Thankies! The two matched pretty well in my twisted mind so, yep, here I am n.n

Nightmare3: Hehe, I'm working on the Lopez/Sheila thing. But I'll figure it out.

K-Gforever: Wow, thanks. I try my best to make everything funny, although I sometimes mix the names x.x

Jhon 117: I guess this story's gonna be a ErkxFarina. But then the Tex x Church pairing wasn't…really a pairing to begin with. But it's interesting.

Onionbreath002: …You…did…not…just…do…that…CharChar. Hehe, just kidding. I can do worse than that. And yep, Eliwood is Vic n.n

Link015: It always sucks to be Erk. Heh, typos sorta, just happen.

Apple: Wow, so many reviews. I'm so happy! Anyways, next chapter, two more episodes and one more new muse.

Erk: -lassoed- Ugh…who are you gonna torture now.

Church: -warps in- the hell? How'd I get here? Where's Charlie?

Erk: You stole HIM too?

Apple: I didn't steal him! Honest! -pouts-

Erk: Sigh, by the end of this fic, you'll have all of his muses.

Apple: Yep.

Church: …so, I'm your muse now?

Apple: mm hmm! I stole you from CharryWarry!

Erk: …Oh my god…you called…him…-snicker-

Church: He's going to kill you now.

Apple: Serves him right. -grumble-

Erk: Anyways, before she does anything worse, time for the next chapter. And she don't own FE or RvB.

* * *

Pain knocking at your door

At red base, Sain was explaining why the horse was in pain to Wallace while a very distraught Raven tended to the poor animal. Sain sweated, knowing full well that his ass was about to be dipped into acid.

"And then I thought, you know, we could sneak around the side while they were hiding behind the rock, but umm, that's when the Pegasus showed up and…shit just started to fly around and uh…I dunno." Sain explained lamely.

"Sain…" Wallace sighed. "Do you have ANY fluxing idea how much this head of horse cost?"

"I dunno…maybe ten, twenty…twenty-five gold maybe?" Sain guessed. "That's…you…you're gonna kill me now aren't you?"

"Tell you what Sain, I'm a fair man." Wallace said. "I'll give you a ten second head start here before I let Raven here do anything he wants to ya."

Raven immediately stood up and faced Sain with an Iron bow at the ready.

"Guys…I just want you to know, I'm really REALLY sorry here-" Sain tried to apologize.

"Five Western Isles….Six Weastern Isles…"

"Okay!" Sain said backing away, seeing that his apology wasn't going to work. "I guess I better get going then."

With that, Wallace and Raven both began to shoot arrows at Sain, causing the man to jump around in a funny dance.

"Hey guys that's not funny!" Sain yelled. "Somebody could get hurt!"

Meanwhile at the blue base, the freelancer had come and was practicing shooting at something at the wall. The person wore a mask and showed a bit of blue hair under the heavy helmet and listened to Wil explain the situation.

"And that's basically it sir. They have five guys over there and a big jeep." Wil said.

"And your flag." The freelancer said in a muffled masculine voice, while discharging arrow after arrow.

"Yeah, that too." Wil said, watching the man light a short fuse on a mine covered in a sticky goop. "Uhh, hey…Farina." Wil said after the person threw the mine. "I don't know what it's been like at your other bases, but we try not to use other soldiers as target practice here."

Against the wall, Serra was standing there shivering, with arrows sticking out of the wall around here and huge charred spot where the mine hit nearby.

"I'm scared…" She said in a weak voice.

Farina then turned around and began to check equipment and ammunition while Wil continued to babble on.

"So, I see you have the Special Forces black armor." He said noting the obvious. "Were you in the Special Forces at some point?"

Farina looked at Wil and continued to check weapons.

"Yeah, I used to have black armor too." Wil babbled on. "It was black because I got stuff all over it from the te-"

Then the freelancer turned around and left, jumping off the top of the base and heading towards the other side of the canyon.

"Oh okay…you gotta go? I'll see you later." Wil finished.

"I don't think he likes you." Serra whispered to Wil.

"Thanks…" Wil said to Serra before moving to the edge of the base. "Hey! Where're you going?" He yelled to the departing figure.

"Red base, kill everybody, get the flag back." The freelancer said simply and left.

"Oh….OKAY!" Serra yelled. "We'll just stay here and guard the…trans…porter…"

At red base, Sain was telling Kent what Wallace said in the little private meeting with major embellishments. "So Wallace thought that my strategy had major merits, but was poorly executed. Probable because SOMEBODY didn't believe in it."

"Horsecrap." Kent said. "He told me he thought you were a retarded monkey, and he's gonna suspend your weapon privileges."

Then Lucius spoke up. "Hey, since I captured the flag, think they'll give me my own color armor now?"

"What do you mean 'captured?'" Kent asked. "You thought you were buying it at the store you idiot."

"Still…" Lucius said. "You think there's a shot?"

"Maybe they'll give you Sain's armor since he almost killed the horse." Kent said.

"He-yeah." Sain said. "Wait, you don't think they'll really do that do you?"

Downstairs, Wallace was watching Raven tend to the horse.

"Try retracting that muscle over there and bracing that white thingy there. I think that's what's making that crick." Wallace said pointlessly while Raven stood up and glared at him. "Ahh…I think I'll let you do it." Wallace quickly corrected.

Wallace watched as Raven continued to inject various fluids into the horse, trying to ease the animal's pain. Suddenly, he felt a strange presence behind him. He turned around, wondering if anything was there.

"What the?" Wallace muttered "What was that?"

Back on top, Kent saw a strange blur moving around the base.

"Kent, what's over there?" Sain asked.

"I thought I saw something for a second." Kent said, staring into the bleak landscape.

Unbeknownst to the red team, Farina had used a special stave to become temporary invisible. It wasn't by all means perfect, but the mercenary could move about without so much as a slight color distortion to the surrounding landscape.

Sain was now getting a bit scared. He turned towards Lucius.

"Hey lackey." He said. "Tuck that thing some place until we can figure out what's going on."

"Good idea." Lucius said tossing the flag into the base. "I was getting sick of carrying this thing anyways."

Downstairs, Farina's boots crunched on some rocks. Kent and Sain immediately perked up.

"Did you hear that?" Kent asked.

"Yeah…" Sain said quietly.

"Hey!" Lucius whispered loudly. "What's going on?"

At that moment, Farina took out one of the fused, sticky mines, lit the fuse, and tossed it up, landing it squarely on top of Lucius' head.

Sain heard the fizzing noise and turned around.

"What the heck?" He said backing away when he found the brownish lump with a burning rope on top of the lackey's head.

"What?" Lucius asked when he saw Sain react.

Kent then turned around. "What is that thing?" He asked when he too saw the weird object on top of Lucius' head.

"WHAT THING!" Lucius said panicking.

"There's something on your head…" Sain said.

"What? Is it a spider? Get it off!" Lucius said getting worried.

"No, it's not a spider." Kent corrected. "It's like a…brownish thing."

"What? It's like a brown spider?" Lucius asked. "GET IT OFF!"

"It's not a spider, so calm down." Sain chastised. "It's some kind of sparking, bulb shaped thing."

"That doesn't sound much better than a spider!" Lucius said getting agitated.

"Does it hurt?" Kent asked.

"No." Lucius replied.

"Maybe we should try to take it off." Kent suggested.

"Good idea." Sain said. "Go for it."

"Me? By 'we,' I meant you, asshole." Kent said illogically.

"Well somebody needs to get it off." Lucius said. "Look, it might be dangerous."

That's when the fuse burned out and the whole thing exploded on top of Lucius' head, knocking the poor lackey into a near dead state and shaking the ground badly.

"SON OF A BITCH!" Kent and Sain screamed out in unison.

That's when Farina attacked. Suddenly the two red privates felt a person with them, hitting them over the head with the hilt of a sword. Kent swung around but was immediately taken down by a blow to his head with the flat of an iron sword.

Sain looked around for his assailant, but he could see nothing but occasional places of distorted color. He felt someone behind him hit him over the head.

"Ow! Son- Who's there? Don't kill me! I'm to good looking to die!"

Across the map, Serra was using the longbow to survey the carnage.

"Man…" She said. "He is really kicking their asses."

"How come I never get the fucking longbow?" Wil asked.

Serra ignored him and stowed the longbow. "I'm really glad that Farina's on our team and not theirs."

"Sure makes things a lot easier on us." Wil said.

"Yeah…" Serra said. "I think switching Farina for Erk was a good trade."

"It definitely seems like your killing Erk is starting to work out for us." Wil said.

"You know, you think so?" Serra said. "You know, I was gonna say something but uhh… you know…umm…uh…"

Wil averted the awkward moment by asking another question.

"Did Farina get inside the base?"

Serra looked through the longbow again and saw Farina move around and into the front entrance of the red base. "Yeah…"

Moments later, they heard a very deep voice announce, "Blue team…flag returned."

"What the?" Wil said turning around. "Who said that?"

He saw Erk standing there in his ghostly form clearing his throat.

"Sorry, that was me." He apologized. "I uhh, I guess I had something stuck in my throat. Your flag is back by the way."

Then Serra turned around. "Hey! It's Erky!"

"Yeah, it's me." Erk said unenthusiastically. "Hey Serra."

"Heya Erk!" Serra continued in her fake enthusiastic voice. "What're you up too?"

"Serra," Erk said chuckling. "I'm not really hear to make small talk okay? How did you guys manage to get your flag back?"

Wil was tongue tied. "Wh…wha? Oh! That flag? We've always had that!" He lied lamely.

"Wil." Erk said getting annoyed. "Who do you think you're trying to fool? Hey wait a second…where's Farina?"

"I'm not really sure." Wil lied. "He said he was going to go to the store. Something about…elbow grease.

Erk didn't buy it. "Oh great! This is so TYPICAL!" Erk cried in frustration. "What was the ONE I told you guys the last time I appeared?"

"That Ilia is cold?" Serra tried.

"UGH! What was the OTHER one thing I told you." Erk said clearly agitated.

"Not to let him get involved?" Wil said.

"Right, and what did you do?" Erk asked sarcastically

"We let him get involved." Wil answered meekly.

"And not just a little involved, how involved?" The now fuming Erk asked once again.

"Very…very involved." Serra answered.

Inside the red base, Wallace charged in with a killing edge pointed at Farina's throat. "Freeze!" He commanded.

Farina turned to try to run but then another man cut of the path. The merc had no choice but to turn around and obey orders.

"Drop your weapons." Wallace ordered and immediately Farina's iron sword and bow fell to the ground.

"Hey buddy." The freelancer muttered as Wallace approached.

"What?" The bald sergeant of the red army asked.

"You really better hope the first one knocks me out."

Wallace didn't need any more encouragement as he raised his blade and brought the flat side into the mercenary's head, effectively knocking the person out cold.

On top, Sain was waking up from the jarring hit he had received earlier.

"What the?" He said disoriented. "Ugh, the top of my freaking head."

Kent was beside the now nearly dead Lucius. "He's hurt Sain." He said taking a diagnosis. "He'll make it, but we need to get him some help fast."

"Yeah yeah…hold on a second." Sain said trying to get his bearings.  
What happened here? First Lucy's head exploded, and then you fainted, and then some black thing showed up an-"

"Whoa whoa whoa wait." Kent interrupted. "I did not faint. Something knocked me out."

Sain took the opportunity to take a shot at his partner. "Okay…sure…keep lying to yourself. Whatever helps you sleep at night." He poked with a sly smile.

"Man…just go find Wallace." Kent said waving him off. "We gotta get Lucy outta here."

"Yeah sure." Sain said walking downstairs. "Oh and uh, I'm find by the way, thanks for asking."

"No one cares. Nobody likes you anyways." Kent said, taking revenge.

At blue base, Serra was taking more surveillance with the longbow.

"Yep, he's definitely captured." She said. "Or dead…captured or dead…or CAPTURED AND DEAD!"

"Oh well that's…just…PERFECT!" Erk spat.

"What?" Wil said incredulously. "What is your problem! Why do you even care if he's captured? I thought you hated that guy anyway for stealing your girlfriend."

"I never SAID I hated Farina." Erk corrected. "I just said that she was the reason why we never got married."

"She!" Serra asked confused.

At red base, Kent was reporting to Wallace.

"Wallace." He said. "We need to get Lucy airlifted outta here on the next Pegasus."

Wallace glared at the private. "Could you put that on a scroll and file it under 'SHIT I ALREADY KNOW!' Get on the stave with command!" Wallace ordered. Then he noticed that his captive was stirring. "Well look who's up. Rise and shine buttercup."

When the freelancer got up, a split appeared in the mask and it fell apart, revealing rather beautiful feminine face. As the mask fell completely off, long shiny shoulder length blue hair flowed out behind her revealing her true form.

"Oh great." Farina said in a female voice. "You broke my mercenary mask. You cockbiting fucktards."

Everybody in the room stared at her, especially Sain. "AH HA! I KNEW IT!" he exclaimed. "Only such a beauteous creature such as you could give me a headache this big."

As Farina gained her bearings, she noticed that everybody was to some degree. "What's the matter?" She asked. "Haven't you guys ever seen a girl before? Jeez, how long have you guys been out here? And could you tell the orange one not to stare at me like that? And for St. Elimine somebody get him a napkin or something before he floods this place"

* * *

Apple: Squee! I'm done! And it only took 2 hours out of precious time for me to do my biology homework! I am teh happy!

Erk: Biology homework? YOU WERE TRYING TO DISSECT ME!

Church: At least she didn't do creepy tests on you! Good god I think I have something.

Apple: Tee hee, don't listen to them. We're having a tea party. Now please review! Luv ya all!

Erk & Church: TEA PARTY! SOMEBODY GET US OUT OF HERE!

Apple: -innocent smile- Heehee, they're so excited. -Closes binds-

Erk & Church: DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN IT HURTS! MAKE IT STOP! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!


	7. Mission Impossible: Rescuing Farina

Apple: Hey everyone! Thanks for reviewing y'all! I loves you lots!

Onionbreath002: Ack! I'm really sorry okay! Just…start talking to me again?

Link015: Hehe, thanks. Yeah, I got a few more, but I think I should stop.

Nightmare3: Hehe, I reviewed some of your works. They're pretty good! You'll see who Doc is, and I'mma shooting to get all the RvB episodes in. It's a never ending quest!

noname: Heh, thanks. Yeah, I know Farina's a girl, but in RvB, everyone thinks that the character Farina's parodying is a guy. Sorry for the confusion.

Jhon 117: Hehe, thanks for the ideas! And don't worry about the gay joke. I never miss those.

SYF: Yep XD;;; using him as Donut seemed so obvious to me as well.

Picup: Hehe, the n00b battle is a long ways off, but it's always fun to think about. I love that part in RvB as well! One of the best episodes.

Apple: Wow, so many reviews. Well, anyways, two more episodes coming up. We're at 13 and 14 now. Moving along fast! Anyways, no new muses since Charlie isn't talking to me right, so I don't own Fire Emblem.

Erk: And amazingly, she didn't torture me that much…wait…did my spleen just blow up?

Apple: Hehehe… -wink-

* * *

Mission Impossible: Rescuing Farina

"Let me get this straight." Wil was saying. "You're telling me that the guy who showed up here, scared the living shit out of us, shot at Serra and beat the hell out of the Reds wasn't a guy at all? That he was a chick and on top of that, she was your ex-girlfriend?"

"In a nutshell, yes." Erk said. "That is an excellent summary. How did you guys NOT know she was a girl?"

"Well, I don't know." Wil said. "We just never picked it up."

"Dude," Erk said. "FARINA. That's a BLATENTLY feminine name!"

"Well, I've been out here too long! The only girl names I know are Serra…and…uhh…Serra."

"Well, did you NOT notice the long flowing hair and the accentuated chest area?" Erk asked.

"She was wearing a heavy cloak and a lot of armor!" Wil said. "It's not like I have x-ray vision! Although now that I think about it…"

"Okay, we're not going to go there." Erk said. "But yes, she was my ex-girlfriend."

"I should've known." Serra said. "She didn't like me. Girls never like me."

"Serra, I don't think ANYBODY likes you." Wil said.

"Do you like me Erky?" Serra asked pouting.

"Umm, let me think… no." Erk said.

"I never think I've ever seen a girl that mean before." Wil noted. "Are you sure she's a chick? And not a guy? Or like, part guy part shark?"

"I'm pretty sure I would've known if Farina was a guy." Erk said. "And I'm definitely sure I would've known if she was part shark."

"Wait wai wait!" Serra said. "If she's a girl, then why is she named Farina?"

"WHAT!" Erk said. "OH COME ON! I already told you that Farina is a blatently feminine name!"

"Uhh…" Serra said dumbly.

"Just TRUST me on this one." Erk said. "And you can't blame her for being so aggressive. It's not entirely her fault to begin with."

"Right." Wil said. "You should blame St. Elimine. First she creates feminism, and now, half women, half sharks that won't even sleep with me. Thanks for nothing Elimine!"

"Will you shut up with that?" Erk said. "She got recruited into some kind of experimental program back in basic where they infused her soul with this really aggressive AI spirit. I'm not really sure what it does, but I do know that it made her meaner and tougher than hell."

"AI…" Serra said. "What does the A stand for."

"Artificial." Erk said.

"What's the I-"

"Intelligence." Erk answered without hearing the whole question.

"OHHHhhhhhhhhh….what was the A again?" Serra asked.

"Lets move on." Erk said.

"So…" Wil began. "The military put this spirit into her, and that spirit made her a killer. But on the inside she's just a sweet, down home girl?"

"Oh HELL no." Erk said. "She's always been a rotten bitch. It's just that now she's a rotten bitch with spiritual enhancements."

"Wow, sounds like you really won the lottery with that one." Wil said. "Good catch there buddy, she's a keeper."

"So how are you doing Serra?" Erk asked ignoring Wil's comment. "Are you following any of this whatsoever?"

"I think so." Serra said. "That guy Farina is really…a morph, and YOU'RE his boyfriend, so that makes you… a gay morph."

"Yeah…" Erk said. "That's right. I am a gay morph."

"I knew it!" Serra said. "No wonder you don't love me."

"We won't go there Serra." Erk said.

Meanwhile, the reds were holding Farina hostage.

"So, you're a girl huh?" Sain said.

Farina looked at him with a weird look.

"Just ignore him." Kent said. "That's what I do."

"Not so tough now that we've unloaded your weapon are ya?" Sain gloated.

"Hey punk." Farina warned. "I don't need a weapon to kill you."

"Yeah right." Sain said. "What are you gonna do? Punch me?"

Farina looked at Sain and took a threatening step forward.

"AHH! NOT THE FACE!" Sain cried out jumping backwards.

At blue base, Erk was laying down his thoughts.

"Well don't worry because I have a great plan for how we're gonna rescue Farina." Erk said.

"A plan? Oh man, I hate plans!" Wil groaned. "That means we're gonna have to do stuff. Can't we just have a strategy or a mission statement?"

"I just need you guys to run a distraction while I spring Farina." Erk said.

"Distraction? Heh, that sounds a lot like decoy." Serra said nerviously.

"The way I see it, the Reds have absolutely no idea how many freelancers we have out here." Erk explained. "So all I need from the two of you is to run around in the middle of the canyon wearing black armor while I sneak in the back of the base."

"Sounds good but Erk, where are we gonna get two suits of black armor?" Wil asked.

Erk glanced at the warp stave tied to the wall.

"…oh fuckberries." Wil said after he figured it out.

So Wil and Serra were to go through the warp stave. Erk waited at the other end for them Wil was the first to come out wearing his black armor.

"Are you okay Wil?" Erk asked.

"Yeah, I'm fine." Wil said.

The two waited a while and Serra didn't show up, so Wil went over the hill and yelled back to the base.

"COME ON SERRA!" He yelled.

"DOES IT HURT!" Serra asked.

"NO NOT AT ALL!" Wil said.

"Okay then. Here I come." Serra said and ran into the warp stave.

"Does it hurt for real?" Erk asked.

"OH yeah…" Wil said. "Big time."

"OWCHIES!" Serra said as she appeared in the exit point. She turned towards Wil with a glare. "You lied to me."

At Red base, Wallace was atop the base surveying the field.

"Damn it!" He cursed. "Raven, come 'ere. Do you see something out there?"

Raven scanned the canyon with the longbow and nodded his head, yes.

Downstairs, Kent and Sain were arguing once again.

"There's no 'l' in it, it's pronounced 'both'" Kent was saying.

"That's what I'm saying!" Sain said. "Bolth!"

"Both." Kent corrected.

"You sound like such an ASS the way you say it." Sain said.

Then Wallace interrupted them.

"Sain! Quit your yammering and get your kiester up here!" Wallace ordered. "Need some help, got more of them special ops folks coming towards the base."

"As in 'more than one?'" Sain said nervously. "Uhh, maybe we should bolth go sir."

"BOTH!" Kent corrected again.

"Seriously man." Sain said. "Like an ASS."

"Well well, another brilliant idea from the think-tank." Wallace said sarcastically. "Why don't you both come up, leave the prisoner alone. We could just put her on the honor system, have her guard herself."

"Good point sir." Sain conceded.

"YOUR DAMN RIGHT IT IS!" Wallace barked. "Now get yer ass up here! We got just enough time to paint the bulls-eye on yer back. Ahh, by bulls-eye I of course mean camouflage. Now move it cupcake!"

"Yeah…" Sain sighed in resignation. "I'll be right up."

In the canyon, Erk was surveying the field using a ghostly longbow.

"Hey Wil, come in man, are you there?" Erk asked into the voice carrier. "This is Erk man. It's working, the orange one is coming out of the base, I repeat, the orange one is coming out of the base."

"Roger that." Wil said back.

"Ohohohoh WIL!" Serra squealed. "Tell him, tell him that, that that for me to say hi?"

While Serra said that, Erk was giving orders, unfortunately, this caused Wil to not hear what Erk was saying.

"Wait wait wait, what?" Wil said. "I missed that, Serra is talking to me."

Wil then turned towards Serra. "Shut up man! I'm talking on the voice carrier!"

"I SAID, just keep mo-" Erk repeated but he was cut off again.

"I'm not yelling." Wil was saying clearly to Serra. "I'm just telling you to let me finish talking to Erk. No, I'll tell him you said 'hi' later. No you can't talk to him! How an you possibly talk to him on my carrier?"

Erk heard enough and shut his system off. "Oh St. Elimine." He groaned. "I can't believe I actually died for this war."

Erk decided to move, since his teammates weren't helping much.

On top of Red base, Sain was using the longbow to try to detect any enemies.

"I don't see any-" Sain cut off. "Uh oh, yep, there's one." Sain said as he watched one of the black clad soldiers move up to a rock and stand there. "Why is he just standing there?"

"SERRA!" Wil yelled at the soldier whom Sain was watching. "Get behind the rock! They can still see you!"

"They can't see me…" Serra argued. "I can't see them!"

"That's because you're facing the rock." Wil explained

Serra turned and saw the Red base. "Oh! Right!" She said and went behind the rock.

"Real smooth dipshit." Wil said.

At Red base, Wallace was coming to a conclusion, but unfortunately he didn't see a ghostly figure sneak up behind him.

"They're definitely special ops." Wallace said. "I haven't seen troop movement this coordinated since my days on Il-KEAGAHURGURK!"

Erk had snuck up and possessed Wallace.

"Uhh, sir, are you okay?" Sain asked after Wallace's weird outburst.

"Ahh…" Erk said, trying to be Wallace. "Who're you talking to red? Me?"

"Nah, I'm talking to Raven here because you know, THAT'S real rewarding." Sain said sarcastically.

Raven responded by swing his slim sword at Sain who immediately jumped back.

"Hey! What'd I tell you about that!" Sain said.

"Uhh…" Erk bluffed. "Uhh… I'm fine. I'm jus…I'm just so mad about these uh, damned Blues out here. I'm so damned mad, I could spit!"

With that, Erk spat into the helmet.

"Umm…sir, did you just SPIT inside your helmet?" Sain asked.

"Uh yeah… I guess I did." Erk said.

"Permission to speak freely sir?" Sain asked.

"Go ahead."

"That's REALLY fucking gross."

Back in the field, Serra and Wil were having a nice chat.

"Um, Wil." Serra said.

"What?" Wil said annoyed.

"I'm having a really great time, with you." Serra said.

"That's GREAT, Serra." Wil said.

"Yeah! It's like we're REAL soldiers." Serra said.

"Would you PLEASE go hide behind another rock?" Wil asked getting really ticked off.

At Red base, Erk managed to get downstairs. He walked towards where Kent was keeping Farina hostage.

"Hey man." Erk said. "What's up yo?"

"Uhh, hey." Kent said. "What's going on out there sir?"

"What? Uhh, nothing! Why would you ask if something's wrong?" Erk asked dumbly.

"I think that's a perfectly normal question in a time of war." Kent said.

"Yeah well… I dunno. You're starting to act kinda suspicious there, other red guy." Erk said. "So, I'm keepin' my eye on you."

Kent turned around again. "Wallace, I'm starting to think that- OW!" Erk had hit him over the back of his head with the broad side of the slim sword. "ELIMINE! THE BACK OF MY HEAD!"

"What the hell are you doing?" Farina asked.

"Farina! It's me Erk! I've come to rescue you!" Erk said.

"You're kinda short to be Erk." Farina said.

"What? Oh right yeah the armor." Erk said and he unpossessed Wallace.

"HUUUUURGH! What in Sam Hell? Where the? Who spat on my visor?" Wallace asked disoriented

"Farina, there's not much time to explain, so I'm just gonna give you the summary here okay?" Erk said. "I'm a spirit now, and I'm trapped in the physical world. I possess this red guy, so I can sneak into the base and rescue you, while the rest of our guys run around in the middle of the canyon, dressed in black armor that they got from going through the warp stave."

"….okay." Farina said simply.

"What? That's it? OKAY!" Erk said. "You're not surprised by any of this?"

"No, it pretty much all makes sense." Farina said.

"Not even the whole 'Erk is a ghost' thing?" Erk asked. "That didn't do anything for ya?"

"Well I can see right through you, it's pretty obvious." Farina said.

"Okay." Erk said. "Well, let me just hop back in this guy, and we'll get out of here."

Then Erk possessed Wallace once again.

Out in the field, Serra held the longbow and was apparently aiming at something.

"What are you doing?" Wil asked.

"One of the Reds has Farina." Serra said honing her aim. "I'm going to shoot him, and KILL him, and free Farina! The Erk will forgive me for killing HIM and he will love me."

"Oh COME on, you don't actually believe any of that do you?" Wil asked.

"Ohh!" Serra said lining up her shot. "He's gonna love me so much."

Meanwhile, Erk was in the Red guy's body explaining to Farina how she's going to escape.

"All right, I'll make one more distraction, then you run up to the warp stave and escape." Erk explained. "Ready? One…two…THRE-!"

That's when a longbow shaft suddenly shot right trough the Red man's head with loud thud and Erk's 'body' that he was possessing fell away.

"What the? Where did my body go?" Erk said frantically. He looked around and saw Serra with the longbow. "Oh you gotta be KIDDING me."

"WIL DID IT!" Serra immediately said.

* * *

Apple: There we go! Another chapter!. 

Erk: Ugh…I found my spleen.

Apple: It won't be there for long n.n

Erk: You bitch.

Apple: Hehe! Anyways! I love you all and I hope you keep reviewing for me!


	8. Happy Mother's Day

Hello everyone, Charlie here. Anyways, if you haven't figured it out, I'm helping Apple out with some parts of this thing, and I also started to talk to her again. Anyways, we argued over how to deal with the PSAs since they're obviously just as hilarious as the main episodes, but not part of the story line. Well, with AP testing (I have Comp Sci and Chemistry on the fourth and the tenth and Apple has Comp Sci on the fourth, Bio on the ninth and History on the sixth (I think)), and SATs, Apple doesn't have time to finish an entire chapter. So with the upcoming holiday season, I shall be doing the RvB FE rendition of the Mother's Day PSA saying a Happy Mother's Day to all you moms out there and (More commonly on future mothers.) Aptly named, this would be chapter seven and thirty-eight ninety-fifths. And for you people who don't understand how I'm updating on Apple's account, I'm writing this in San Marino, California. After that, I e-mail it to Apple living in Arizona. Then she uploads this while she (Hint, read this part Apple) **TAKES A BREAK FROM STUDYING**. Simple? Now stop accusing me of being a hacker and enjoy.

* * *

Chapter 7 38/95ths: Happy Mother's Day

"Why hello! I'm Wallace from the popular fanfiction, RvB FE."

"And I'm Private Wil."

"We're here to tell you about a very special event coming up for many women." Wallace said. "Maybe even one you know."

"That's right." Wil said. "This Saturday is Lady's Night at the Rusty Badon Sal-"

"Ahh..." Wallace interrupted. "Actually Wil, I was talking about Mother's Day."

"What?" Wil said. "Oh...damn it!"

"You know, a lot of kids out there are probably wondering what to get their mom on this special day." Wallace said.

"Not me." Wil said. "She was a dirty tramp."

"That explains a lot." Wallace said under his breath.

"Finding the right gift for your mom can sometimes be difficult." Wil continued.

"When giving a gift on Mother's Day, try to remember that your mom is a unique and special person." Wallace said redundantly.

"Whore." Wil added.

"That can mean that going the safe route might not always be so safe." Wallace cautioned.

"Why whatever do you mean Wallace?" Wil said mechanically.

"Lets take a look at an example." Wallace said. "Sain and Kent have politely agreed to help us demonstrate with a little skit."

To the side, Kent and Sain stood, groaning.

"I don't want to do this!" Sain said.

"What're you complaining about?" Kent asked. "You got the easy part. I'm the one wearing pantyhose under my cloak because Wallace believes in method acting."

"Don't you dare make me come over there!" Wallace shouted at them. "Now get to demonstrating!"

Sain sighed and turned towards Kent.

"Mother." Sain said. "I love you because you violently squeezed me out of your womb." Sain held up some flowers. "Here are some flowers I bought for you at a flower place. Happy Official Day for Mothers."

"Worthless daughter." Kent said. "How could you be so thoughtless? You know I am allergic to flowers. Also you were adopted and I never loved you. I will now send you to live in shame, with a Morph-Pegasi foster family."

Behind Kent, Huey and Raven turned towards Sain.

"Whoa nelly!" Wallace said ending the skit. "That didn't go very well at all!"

"Flowers seemed like the perfect gift because they're pretty and boring, like most women." Wil explained. "But that plan sure backfired.

"Now lets go see what happens when you go take a little extra effort." Wallace said.

"Take it away Lucy and Serra." Wil said.

"Hello son." Lucius addressed Serra. "How are you?"

"Erky?" Serra perked. "I mean mother? Because it is Mother's Day and I love you so, I made you a very ugly Goddess Icon in shop class today."

"Oh thank you my son!" Lucius said. "Where is it?"

"I left it at school." Serra said. "Also, it is broken."

"Thank you my child." Lucius said. "You always think of the perfect thing to do for me."

"I spent my allowance on Poke-Morph trading cards and meat flavored Pegasus food." Serra said.

"My angel." Lucius finished.

"And scene!" Wallace said butting in. "And now you see that the personal touch is what really makes all the difference in selecting a Mother's Day gift."

"What!" Wil said. "That last skit made no sense whatsoever!"

"Exactly!" Wallace said.

"This is retarded." Wil grumbled. "I'm leaving."

"Remember kids." Wallace said. "You only have one mother, unless you come from a progressive home like Lucy's, so be good to her on mother's day. And now, for those of you who still don't have any good gift ideas, here's a list of Wallace-approved items you might want to consider."

Extra-Bendy Cactus  
Exotic-Flightless Dragon  
Underbelly Washer  
Dispenser of Goodies  
Yoga-tizing spatula  
Mutant Goblin  
Ilian Man-Servent  
Nabata Goo (or similar)  
Fractal Misnomer  
Wyvernplasty  
Mamkuteplasty  
Nastyplasty  
Old Shoe Horn  
Old Horn  
New Shoe  
Smaller Crawdads  
Sandbox (with Box)  
Transparent Ding-Gong  
Articulated Thing  
Round One (or likewise)  
Extras  
Candy With Tips  
Somnambulant Honkie  
Misguided Dobro  
Banjo Pegasus  
Parachutes and Fishes  
Tu Blave  
Macchu Picchu  
Most Postacio  
Mustafa Portencio  
Claven (sans nuts)  
Shanks, all types  
Wind Samples  
Mutton  
Extraordinary Slorf  
Fineries.

"Happy Mother's Day!" Wallace said.

* * *

Charlie: And I'm done. Well, a big Happy Mother's Day to everyone out there who's a mom or could potentially become a mom! Hope you all the best with your kids and enjoy the holiday season.

**HAPPY MOTHER'****S DAY Y'ALL!**


	9. Alternate Treatment

Apple: Hiya everyone! Sorry for the long wait and the filler chapter that Charlie so nicely did for us. I know he did omit the lactating scene… but then we felt that that was just pushing it a bit too much. Anyways. Thanks for sticking with me and I'm sorry about the long wait. Really!

Jhon 117: Heh, thanks for all your support. Charlie and I do get along well, he was just pretty peeved about the...nickname thing. And yeah, the spirit is O'malley.

K-Gforever: Hehe, Charlie did the Mother's Day chapter. Go thank him. His Penname is Onionbreath002. And Serra's just…Serra.

Nightmare3: Yeah, that was pushing the rating a bit. Oh well, thanks for being so faithful to me. I hope my future chapters will always live up to your expectations. And we'll see about Karel, and make sure he doesn't try to kill me.

Picup: Hehe, we'll see about Doc. And Serra always tries to impress Erk. It's in her blood (and supports).

Charlie: Heh…thanks. And thanks for doing the filler for me. Bio and History are seriously killing me.

DeamonSniper: Hehe, thanks. I never thought this would go over that well though. n.n guess y'all just proved me wrong.

Madoka: Thanks! And… yeah…it was a puma.

Link015: I would... but then this fic would get bogged down so badly.

Apple: Well, I'm back for now with another chapter and two more episodes. Enjoy!

Erk: And she doesn't own FE. And I don't have anymore organs.

Apple: How are you still alive.

Erk: …I hate the first postulate of muses…I can't die. Instead, I'm forced to live with such extreme pain.

Apple: Really… -smiles evilly-

Erk: Oh…crap.

* * *

Alternate Treatments 

"Hello!" Wallace's voice echoed across the barren landscape. "Hello!"

Wallace looked around at the grayish landscape around him. He didn't remember where he was or how he got there. As he looked around, he wondered where everybody was.

"Hello! HELLO!" Wallace bellowed. "Hello? Is anybody out here?"

"Holy cow!" A spectral vision of Erk called back. "Would you stop yelling? I'm here."

"What is this place?" Wallace asked as Erk approached him.

"Well…" Erk began. "That's kinda hard to explain. Umm…you were shot in the head buddy. So…here you are."

"Am I dead?" Wallace asked.

"Are you dead…well, yep." Erk said. "That's how I ended up here."

"Are you some kind of angel?" Wallace asked.

"Hehehe…" Erk chuckled. "Am I some kind of angel… uhh ahem… yeah, actually I am. I'm an angel. Uhh… do you want to go to heaven? 'Cause it's like ten bucks to get in."

"Well I… I didn't really bring any on me." Wallace stammered. "I left my wallet back in my car."

"Eh you don't have it there huh?" Erk asked rhetorically. "Well uhh… that's too bad. Pretty crappy to be damned to Hell for an eternity."

"I don't remember dying." Wallace pointed out.

"Yeah, that's my fault too." Erk said. "I was sorta possessing your body at the time you were shot. Sorry about that."

"Well hold on a second. That ain't fair." Wallace argued.

"Not fair!" Erk said incredulously. "Yeah, join the freaking club! I got trampled by my own Pegasus!"

At his words a spectral version of Huey looked menacingly at Erk and made to dash forward.

"Target locked." Huey chanted.

"Oh haha very funny Huey." Erk said annoyed. "Shut up. You know, I still haven't forgiven you. I didn't say you could talk to me yet. Go..ge…ahh…go over to the base. Shoo shoo!"

Huey hung his head and trotted to the other side of the ghostly canyon. Wallace looked at Erk with an odd look.

"Meh, it's a weird ability of the Pegasi. They can move into the ghostly realm when they sleep. It gets a bit annoying." Erk explained.

Back in the physical world, Sain knelt down over Wallace's body.

"WALLACE!" Sain yelled. "Don't you give up on me soldier! YOU HEAR ME! I'M ORDERING YOU-"

Wallace apparently heard that.

"Who is that? Who's there?" He said hearing a voice in his head.

"Looks like your guys are trying to save you." Erk said looking down into the physical world.

Sain was now slamming his shotgun into Wallace's chest.

"YOU GOTTA BREATHE MAN!" Sain yelled hysterically. "YOU GOTTA PULL THROUGH! COME ON WALLACE!"

"That is NOT the way you were trained to do that private!" Wallace snapped from the ghostly realm.

"He can't hear you." Erk reminded him.

"Sain…this isn't working." Kent was saying. "We have to try something else."

Erk grimaced. "If he gives you mouth to mouth, I'm leaving."

"Maybe you should give him mouth to mouth." Kent suggested.

"I'm leaving." Erk announced.

"I can't believe how hard they're trying to save me." Wallace snifled.

"Why wouldn't they?" Erk asked. "I mean my team didn't, but why wouldn't yours?"

"I thought they didn't like me." Wallace said through sobs.

"Ahh don't sell yourself short." Erk said. "I don't even know you and yet here I am about to guide you into heaven for only five bucks."

"Now hold on." Wallace said. "If you're an angel, how come you ain't got no wings?"

"Because nobody rang a bell." Erk said chuckling. "Seriously. Do you have the money or don't you?"

"Oh I feel the worst about Sain." Wallace continued sentimentally. "I always made fun of him. I never even told him…he was my son."

"No way!" Erk said. "The perverted one is your son?"

"Nah." Wallace scoffed. "I just wanted to screw with him one last time, but now I'll never get that chance."

"HE'S BREATHING!" Sain yelled from the physical world. "WE SAVED WALLACE!"

"I'm WHAT!" Wallace said shocked.

"He's WHAT!" Erk said even more shocked.

"While I'll be a monkey's… they saved me." Wallace said shrinking back into the physical world.

"What? NO!" Erk cried. "COME BACK! WE NEED TO EVEN THE SIDES!"

"Thanks for you help wingless angel fella'." Wallace said. "Will I remember any of this?"

"Yes!" Erk cried desperately. "But only if you give me two dollars!"

Wallace's physically body rose coughing. He looked around at his privates.

"Wha? What happened here?" He asked.

"Sir! You got shot in the head, so we gave you CPR and saved you Sir." Kent replied.

"I always believed in you Kent." Wallace said proudly.

"Uhh…actually, it's Sain you should thank sir." Kent said. "He did all the work."

"Sain?" Wallace said unbelievingly.

"Yes Sir." Kent reaffirmed.

"Sain." Wallace said dangerously. "Why in hell would you give someone CPR for an arrow through the head! That doesn't make a lick of sense!"

"Your welcome Sir." Sain sighed.

"I mean it's also damn inconsistent!" Wallace continued. "What would you do if they stabbed me in the toe? Rub my neck with Aloe Vera?"

There was an awkward pause before Wallace continued again.

"Hey there Sain." Wallace said. "I think I feel an aneurysm coming on. Could you help me out with one of them therapeutic massages?"

Sain sighed and went over.

"Use your fingers, not your knuckles!" Wallace snapped. "Right there…that's good. Lower back. Yeah…I can feel that working already. Don't be afraid to go to low… oh yeah…"

A while later, Lucy came back from command all patched up and carrying something new.

"Dude! This is sweet!" Lucius said happily. "Command was so happy that I got the blue flag, they gave me my own color armor!"

"Uhh…hey Lucy." Sain said uneasily.

"What?" Lucius asked.

"Umm… about your armor." Kent said.

"What about it?" Lucius asked.

"Umm, how do I put this? Your armor is…uhh…it's a little…umm…Sain, you wanna help me out here?" Kent said.

"It's PINK!" Sain said bluntly. "Your armor is freaking pink!"

"Yeah…that's it." Sain said gravely. "Pink."

"Pink!" Lucius said disbelievingly. "My armor isn't pink!"

"PINK!" Sain reinforced.

"Yeah, definitely pink." Kent agreed.

"You guys are colorblind." Lucius said. "Why would they give me pink armor?"

"Hey…don't ask…don't tell." Sain joked a bit.

"Haha…that's not funny." Kent said chuckling.

"Hehehehe…it's a little funny." Sain insisted.

"Look at it!" Lucius insisted. "It's not pink! It's like a…a lightish red."

"Guess what?" Sain said sarcastically. "They already have a color for lightish red. You know what it's called? PINK!"

"I hate you guys." Lucius sobbed.

That's when Wallace broke up the party followed by Raven.

"Well hello dirtbags!" Wallace greeted. "And a fine hello to you madam." He added when he saw Lucius.

"It's light red." Lucius insisted.

"Don't get your panties in a wad there Barbie." Wallace joked. "Do you have a package for me?"

"Yes Sir." Lucius said. "They said that this speech inducing quintessence should work with Raven."

"Speech inducing what!" Sain asked.

"Affirmative." Wallace said as he took it. "Command was low on quintessence when I first formed Raven. But once I get this essence absorbed into him, I'll finally have someone intelligent to talk to."

Wallace then looked towards Kent. "No offense Kent."

"Oh don't worry." Kent assured. "I know who you meant Sir."

"Wait a second." Sain cut in. "Raven is a Morph?"

"Of course he is." Kent said. "Have you ever noticed that he never talks?"

"I just thought that he was a quiet guy." Sain said.

"And the fact that he has bright golden eyes and sucks quintessence instead of eat didn't catch your attention?" Wallace asked.

"Well, I did think the quintessence thing was kinda odd; I just thought he was trying to impress me."

"Hey Sir." Kent cut in when he noticed something. "You really should have a magic circle around yourself before you handle that essence."

"How come?" Wallace asked.

"Because the normality of the air could contaminate the essence." Kent explained.

"Come on." Wallace said. "That's an urban legend they use to sell those stupid talismans." Wallace laughed. "And I suppose stepping on a mine would make my feet blow up!"

That's when a surge of magical energy hit Wallace and forced the man to jump back with a cry of pain.

"I won't say I told you so Sir!" Kent said contradictingly.

"Good." Wallace said, his ego in shatters. "I'd hate to make strawberry shortcake here my new favorite private."

"It's not pink!" Lucius screamed. "IT'S LIGHTISH RED!"

Downstairs, the blues were secretly gathered as the two privates clean their armors.

"Ugh…man…" Serra panted. "You know this stuff does not come off easy?"

"Yeah, this as a lot easier when we were just cleaning my armor." Wil said.

"Yeah! You know…" Serra said. "I think that's because you know…YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!"

"I'm sorry what?" Wil said sarcastically. "It's hard to hear you over the sound of your constant team killing."

"Ahh…ahh…AHHAHAHAA!" Serra laughed. "AHAHAHAHA! AH YEAH! AHAHAH AHHhhh….don't make me mad."

Back upstairs; Lucius was trying to get a picture of the battle.

"So, what happened to me anyways?" Lucius asked. "I recall something about a spider on my head…"

"Right." Sain said. "That was a grenade."

"And the last thing I remembered…" Lucius continued. "Is a loud bang, and then Kent fainting…"

"HA! TOLD YOU SO!" Sain cried gleefully.

"I did not faint." Kent maintained.

"Done and done." Wallace said talking about Raven and putting an end to the conversation. "Raven, absorb the power and talk to me!"

Raven stretched and began jabbering in a weird language.

"Guten Morgen." Raven began. "Vielen dank zum aktivieren meiner sprachenfahigkeiten…"

"Am I the only one not understanding this?" Lucius asked.

"Mein Name ist Raven." Raven said.

"Raven!" Sain said. "He said Raven! He just said Raven! I understand this language!"

"Raven…" Wallace ordered. "Speak…ENGLISH."

Raven continued on in his garbled lingo.

"Ich kann nur Deutsch sprechen." Raven said.

"Hmm…" Kent said. "I think you contaminated some of that essence with the magic surge."

"Maybe Princess Lyn here picked up the wrong essence." Wallace suggested.

"Seriously dude." Lucius continued to insist. "For the LAST time… not pink."

"Raven." Wallace continued in slow speech. "I order you to speak a language we understand."

"Dude Wallace." Sain said. "Who did you say Raven was based on?"

"Some guy named Raymond who lived in House Cornwall. Why?" Wallace asked.

"Has it occurred to you that Cornwall was destroyed by Lord Uther a thousand years ago?" Sain asked.

"No…was it?"

"Yes." Sain said. "So he's speaking an old form of English, we just can't understand him. Why don't you try listening slower?"

"Raven!" Wallace said turning to his Morph. "Would you like to shoot Sain?"

"Ja Herr, Danke." Raven said before raising his bow and notching an arrow.

"Wait…no!" Sain screamed. "NEIN! NEIT! NANKA!"

"The hell?" Kent said. "You just said 'no' in three different languages."

"Oh shut up." Sain said as he dodged arrows.

* * *

Apple: Whew…sorry about that folks. I wanted to do like…Gaelic or Latin, but I can't speak it and dictionaries are unreliable. So I went with German. It's close enough, since I used a translator. Well, hope you like it! I added that extra part at the end. Well, please review! I love you all! 


	10. Calling Out Favors

Charlie: Okay, I finally got around to doing this…

Erk: took you long enough. Did she ask you like six months ago?

Charlie: shut up Erk. Yeah so anyways, Apple's busy…like… really busy. So I'm gonna be writing this for her for a bit… yeah, I know she asked me six months ago…I was busy! So…uhm, here's the next episode of RvB.

Erk: And neither of them owns FE or RvB

Charlie: yeeah, back on the operating table Erk… I need my cadaver.

Erk: but I'm not dead, and I can't die.

Charlie: Good, then I can reuse you.

Erk: O.o Help…me…

* * *

Wil and Serra stood near a rock in the middle of Blood Gulch, watching Erk and Farina argue with each other.

"Look." Farina was saying. "As far as I'm concerned, we're square."

"I saved you from a life of imprisonment. How the hell are you square with me!" Erk retorted.

"Because I didn't kill YOU back at Ilia"

"You know, I really don't see how not KILLING somebody is the same thing as doing them a FAVOR."

"Well…" Farina said thoughtfully. "If you don't appreciate it, I could just kill you right now."

"No you can't!" Erk cried triumphantly. "I'm already dead bitch. So I guess the joke's on you."

Finally, Serra couldn't take it anymore. "Stop it!" She said, sobbing. "Stop fighting! Can't you see you're tearing us apart? What about us!"

Farina looked at Serra. "What ABOUT you?"

"We helped you too!" Serra sobbed. "And what do we get? NOTHING!"

"Well…yeah but."

"But nothing." Erk cut in. "She's got a point."

"I did help them get their flag back." Farina argued.

"Yeah, but you were PAID to do that. We rescued you as a favor." Wil said. "We could've just let you rot in the Red Army Dungeon. It wouldn't have made any difference to us."

"Oh fine." Farina said giving. "I'll stay as long as it takes to help you guys win this thing. As soon as I have, I'm outta here. What do you need me to do?"

"I have no idea." Wil said. "If you knew how to heal a Pegasus, I'd have you do that."

"Hmm… okay." Farina shrugged.

"Wait… you know how to cure Huey?" Serra asked. Farina stood there looking at Serra as if she just asked the dumbest question on the planet. Serra finally took the hint. "I love you…"

"That's kinda hot…but please, lets not go there." Wil said. He was promptly smacked.

Meanwhile at the Red Base, Raven would not shut up in his foreign language.

"blahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblabblahblahblah."

"Man…first he doesn't talk at all… now he doesn't shut up." Sain said. "What's he saying?"

"What're you asking ME for?" Kent asked.

"Well you know…" Sain started. "Because you're of a… a Cornish persuasion."

"Kent isn't a Cornwallean name you dumbass." Kent said. "I'm from Caelin."

"But I thought…"

"What?"

"Nevermind…"

A long awkward pause ensued.

"I'm from Araphen!" Lucy said.

"NOBODY CARES!" Both Kent and Sain yelled at the same time.

On the otherside of the map, Erk was directing while Serra and Wil snooped around with their weapons at the ready.

"Alright, be careful guys. While I was back at their base, I saw that they already got their horse healed. So whatever you do, don't let them see us before we can get Huey back on his wings."

"Okay okay." Serra said, looking at Huey who was groaning on the ground. "Even if we get Huey fixed… how are we going to get him back on his feet? His wings are in the way. I mean it's not like we can just lift…"

Serra trailed off watching Farina manhandle Huey back into a steady position.

"Oh…" Serra said. "She is a very strong lady."

"Okay, I'm the one that's the least visible." Erk said, ignoring Serra. "So I'm gonna head up to higher ground and keep an eye on the red base. If I see anything, I'll let you know."

"Right, I'll come with you!" Serra said.

"That kinda defeats the purpose Serra."

"Okay…what if I'm really… really… quiet?" Serra asked lowering her voice.

"Do you even understand what the term visibility means!"

"Ahahahaha…haha…ha… uhh.. good one Erk."

"Seriously, you don't know what it means do you?"

"Uh..no."

"Serra, just stay here okay? And try not to swallow your own tongue or anything like that." Erk said. With that, Erk left to gain a better vantage point.

"Just watch the red base." Wil said turning towards Serra. "Tell us if you see any movement."

Wil then walked up to Farina who was tending to Huey.

"So I guess if you're helping us, you're not as mean as I thought." He said.

"I wouldn't say I'm mean." Farina said turning towards Wil. "I just get hired to do mean things."

"Yeah, but you like it."

"Well, I think it's important to enjoy what you do."

"So lets say I paid you to kill…Serra." Wil said hypothetically. "You would still do it right? Even though you're supposed to be helping us?"

Farina looked Wil in the eyes. "Is this a hypothetical situation, or should we start talking in gold?"

"Uh…yeah, I don't want to talk about this anymore." Wil said

Just then, Erk poked his head from the ledge. "HEY WIL!"

"What?" Wil called back.

"What the hell is my BODY still doing up here?"

"That's part of being dead Erk." Wil said. "Your body doesn't really move around much any more. Maybe you haven't full grasped the concept yet."

"Okay, let me rephrase my question then." Erk said. "Why in the name of St. Elimine didn't you bury my body yet?"

"Bury? With what?" Wil asked. "All we have are swords and bows. What do you want me to do? Stab you a grave?"

"Well, how about sending me back home?" Erk asked. "You know, let the loved ones pay a little respect."

"Well Erk, here's your girlfriend." Wil said turning towards Farina. "Farina, as one of Erk's loved ones, would you like to pay your respects?"

Farina glared at Wil before turning back to her work.

"That was a stirring eulogy." Wil said sarcastically. "Rest in peace buddy!"

* * *

Charlie: I know she normally does two episodes, but she has a better work ethic than I do… sorry. 


End file.
